Hey…So I know I've totally fucked up on writing 'daily' blogs, but so much has been happening so I literally shutdown, I haven;t been online, I wasn't talking, just doing each medical procedure I was told to do, Eve the 'Child Life' worker on my floor, Tresa was trying to lift y spirits up and nothing. So,I'm sorry I haven't blogged or even been online lately, I'll try to get back to that…

So, I've now been in the hospital for three weeks, I've had thousands of more x-rays, camera-endoscopy pill,colonoscopy,Blood work, and the list continues.

Still can't keep anything down (you know why), and the pain in my stomach has gotten worse it feels like, So they've actually increased my morphine dose. Not only that but myy body has gotten weaker, I've actually fallen several times and during those times I could even have the strength to pick myself back up.

As far as the stomach, I for sure have crohn's disease ontop of my acid reflex and ulcers, so now they are trying to deal with a treatment plan since it's a real bad case.

and during all of this I'm still battling secretly with my ED's, the depression hiding the self harm and the social anxiety which none of them are getting better, it's like there's no hope in ever being able to work on those issues.

Still depressed about my friend situation, But atleast now she won't have to deal with such a troublesome person right?

I've had to chance IV's three times so far (just changed got the new one today) since you know it can fuck up your veins if you have one IV for to long and all that shit.

and here's also 'great' news, the fluids i'm on now (lipids, and TPN) can effect my liver on long-term use, so now that's it's been three weeks, my GI doctors is getting worries about it. SO last night he decided on a GI feeding tube (which gets pushed in through your nose and down your throat into your stomach, it's flexible though and not to big, but it bugs my throat)

It's better then the one I had a few years ago, which that tube was literally a garden house that sucked everything OUT of my stomach (oh and nice part is, that idiot that put it in when 6inchs to far into my intestines)

ANYWAY, back to the present, So now I have that feeding tube in, and taped to my nose. which makes me want to talk even LESS because it bugs my throat. then of course of my warped ways, i'm worry bout gaining weight being on tis formula. ugh…

and i'm tired of having to pee into a hat whenever I use the bathroom, or nurses or doctors coming in right when i'm about to try to sleep (which i've stated before cus of my sleep apnea is hard to do) and them watching me take my meds, or checking my blood sugars and all that SHIT.

Then dealing with parents trying to fix their schedule so that one spends the day/night then every few nights they switch or something and so they can still go to their jobs, and make sure my brother gets to school, and they are still fighting at times of course over MY situation, and I even got into a fight with my mom, saying

"If i'm so annoying why don't you leave? why don't you just fucking leave me here!?"

Then she apologized the next day, but I don't believe her, becuase a few nights ago it happened again, she got up called my dad saying he was taking over for that night and she left. of course the same cycle continued and she apologized next day.

it's a battle on all sides, I feel like i'm losing, I don't want to put on a fake strong or happy go merry attitude with these doctor's and their 'teams' their eyes burning holes into my skin it feels like, always 'judging' me I feel. I hate it, they're all smiley and asking the same god damn questions,

I swear if they ask "How are you today" I will KILL someone.

I'm not a child, I might be 16 but my mind set is beyond those of an adult, I see past the sugar-coated words. I see the bitter and cruel truths, I always have.

I'm so sick of this, I miss my dogs and I rather be at home dealing with my disorders in secret then in this place, but of course that wouldn't happen cus it'd help me. I honestly don't care I have crohn's disease because I deserve the pain it brings with it.

I'm so angry, and frustrated, I don't know what to think at this point, just like my body i've become so numb and raw.

Sorry for any mistakes in spelling or whatever, it's hard typing with an IV in your hand, and also sorry that my first post in a while is such a downer…I'll try to update soon..

1 Comment
  1. Mo 10 years ago

    I\'ve thought about you and missed your blogs- know we are with you in spirit. You are going thru more than most people will deal with in a life time and yet you dont give up- you are still there getting the treatment you need.Congratulations for that bravery. I wish there was something I could sdo or say to relieve some of your pain. Just know we are rooting for you. I\'m sending a prayer up for you.

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