My anxiety never goes away. It is there all the time. The panic is the worst part. It constantly bites at my feet, then in me throughout my whole body. Agonizing. Then it reaches it\’s peak, and it stays there. For so long. I think I will die. Then it dies own. It stays quiet. Until later that day. Maybe the next morning. How do I do it? I swore years ago if it didn’t go away I couldn’t survive. How am I still surviving this?

Is it because anxiety and panic don’t actually kill you? Is this the best form of torture? Not right now. In general. When I am stacked with the panic and the anxiety. I am being tortured. How do I explain it to anyone? The only way to describe it would be this:

If “God” (let’s not even get into that topic) or some other magical force gave me my choice. Either cut your hand (maybe toe, leg, whatever) off with no pain killer. Nothing. Go through extreme excruciating pain in the “real”, OR I will induce you in the worst panic attack you have had yet…

I would choose cutting my hand off. I know you think that is not realistic. It is true. Dead serious. At least that type of pain I can comprehend in some sort of way. It is happening. Pain is happening. With panic it is so different, yet such as painful and horrific. Some of my worst panic attacks were sheer torture in the raw. Torture. There is no way of physically describing them. How do I escape this? My body actually reacts. It is real. It is real. It is real.

My brain tells my body to react in a way that is not natural. There is no need for panic. I want relaxation. It takes hard Benzos to even give me a glimpse of that. This is not a pity party, or a victim blog post. This is the truth. I don’t believe anyone in the real world experiences this extreme of anxiety. Then again, I know people do. Who are you? Why do I feel like nobody with this except me exists?

1 Comment
  1. delane 7 years ago

    Natnatpd93, my heart goes out to you, first of all. Severe anxiety—as well as any ‘severe’ mental issue–can be debilitating, to say the least. What YOU feel is real. The panic and pain are real. Sometimes, they can be tooooo real, obviously.
    You mentioned benzos. What about therapy? If you’ve tried therapy or are in it, currently, has it helped any??? If not, are you considering trying it out? Just thinking, here, but sometimes, things can make a bit more sense to the one suffering, when they say it out loud, as in therapy or to someone–anyone. How about a support group? Are there any in your area? i agree—definitely NOT a pity party or anything of the sort, but more for coping and learning how to live with it or break it down, til it’s more of a memory than a thorn in your side. ya know?

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