Some of you may know that I am a psychologist by education and my education is extensive with 3 degrees in 3 different types of psychology. I am also a criminologist by profession. That said:
I volunteer and provide free therapy services to HIV patients who are not handling their infection very well and most are suicidal because they do not want to live with this disease. I am usually successful at convincing the that they can live a normal healthy life with today's medication. It isn't usually that hard especially when I explain that I have been positive for 20 years and was a police profiler, a rescue rock climber and a rescue swimmer all while infected with HIV prior to the introduction of meds.
The reason I am writing is that my last patient was a 40 yr old woman who was very attractiv and held a master's degree from Texas A&M so she was also intelligent. She told me she is sure she was infected by her ex hisband 10 years ago because he cheated on her by having anonymous homosexual sex and contracted HIV. She said that she didn't have any symptoms and so she never got tested because she just didn't want to know. Well she was positive and her CD4 counts dropped to nothing and her VL was through the roof. She became sick,had to quit her job, and the disease put her in the hospital and it nearly killed her. Since she had no insurance and could afford a doctor, they recommended AOC because they offer a free clinic, food pantry and a team of counselors. Well she was suicidal and was referred to me. I treated her for a while and I went through the 5 stages of grief with her. Well, she told her doctor that she couldn't sleep and thanks to HIPPA he didn't know her mental state and gave her a prescription for sleeping pills. Well, she took the whole bottle with half a fifth of tequila and she killed herself.
I am terrible upset and although my mind knows that there was nothing I could do, my heart and emotions feel like I failed her. I feel like I could have done or said something to get her past the final stage of acceptance. The most dangerous for suicidal people because they is when they give up the fight to liv and that is usually when they actually kill themselves.
I am so upset at her death. It is the first time I have failed something that I couldn't eventually succeed at. It is my personality. I am a rescuer. A savior. It is what God chose for me.
Aaron
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Loss is always hard.. Deal with it in your way taking your time… Healing lite toward you… ♥ ♥
Workiing in the HIV clinics myself I saw many of woman go through these stages and I always kept a close eye on each of them. But i will tell you like any other disease sometimes people bury the fear and at some point they can no longer hold it in. Starting a support group was a great thinng for me, but unfortunately you can only go so far with people. Working in the Law enforcement front lines you will never understand why people feel what they do . Her pain was very deep and being a woman feeling that no man may ever want to touch you is very real. You did all you could do. Her pain was just to deep for our world to understand. God Bless her. No one should have that kind of pain.. Thats why you continue to do your support groups and therapy .
Aron, I believe you did all you could. Leave the rest to God n direct your energy to the living. Wish you well…