Haven't been on here in a while… Thought I'd come back and say hi!

I was doing well for a while, but my guy got a job out of town and wont see him for a few months nor get a phone call from him.

It's very lonely…

I go out with friends and all that, but it's not the same.

I hate the fact that I depend on him so much. That I m so needy that I can't be with out him for just a couple months.

I had a terrible anxiety attack the other night and cut the shit out of myself.

Nothing serious or deep. Just a lot of scratches all over my side and leg.

I have been crying almost everyday for the last week. Nothing is fun anymore. People annoy the shit out of me when they are just trying to hang out with me. Just trying to be my friend. But I don't want anything to do with it. When I am not working I just sleep all the time. Or lay around watching TV all day….

I hate that I am like this. I don't want to be like this. I want to be strong. Normal. I am tired of crying all the time over stupid shit. I am tired of feeling lonely when I shouldn't. I am tired of being depressed… I don't want to be like this anymore.

So I thought to get on that free health insurance that we have for my state, So that maybe I can see a doctor and get on anti-depressants. But then I was told that they wouldn't give it to me because I don't have anychildren…

Awesome… So basically if I am a poor single female without children and I get sick or hurt, I AM SCREWED….

So I guess that I just have to deal with my depression and pray that I live through it.

I don't like hurting myself, but when I go through my episodes it's almost like I'm not in control of my own body. I cry uncontrollably wanting badly to just hurt myself. Hating myself more than anything. Hating who I am hating my body, my face, my personality, my life, loathing myself more than eveything else in the world. And it hurts so badly. Physically, emotionally. It's extremely painful. I sometimes even start screamingor hyperventalating. because I cn't handle it anymore. It goes on for hours. Until I pass out from exhaustion. And then for days after I m heavily depressed, with drawn, and extremely tired.

For the most part this doesn't happen to often. maybe once every couple months. But then there are times like now I've had 2 in the last week… I am so tired I barely make it out of bed. Work is beginning to notice. And so are friends. But there is nothing they can do about it. I just try my best to pretend everything is alright.

The worse partabout it all is that I have nothing to be depressed over!! I have 2 jobs that I love. I have great friends that are a lot of fun to hang out with. My man treats me so well. I live in a beautiful home. I have a wonderful dog that I adore with all my heart. So why am I like this? Why do I cry? Why am I in so much pain?