I try not to whine but I thought if I wrote down how I''m feeling it might help getting it out.  I have sad and winter is my bad time, along with the holidays coming and going and now this horrible cold outside.  My fibromyalgia is flaring because of the temperature changes, my muscles feel like I''ve stretched each and every one of them so far that they will never work again and the severe arthritis I have in my spine, ankles, feet,  and  hips is some days excrutiating even with pain medication.  My depression is worse on top of that and I just don''t want to do anything and most days don''t feel  like moving to keep from the feeling the pain.  I live with my 3yr old grandson and watch him while his mommy works and with the way I''m feeling he doesn''t get what he should from his grandma and that makes me feel even worse.   When I go to take all my meds I look at all the bottles in my small pharmacy and wonder what if…..but I wouldn''t do that to my grandchildren but the thought is there.   Now my daughter has decided her and her son need their own place and I need mine which is true but then she tells me this has to happen by the first of March!  I have so much on my mind I feel like I''m going to explode now!   The other day listening to some talk I was reminded of my growing up and how abusive my father was to me and my sister.  It took me years and years of dealing with that and then seeing him almost die from a heart attack that I finally had the strength to forgive him.  He is a different person now especially with the grandkids and it''s nice.  I gave my dad the first hug in my life 4yrs ago and he was shocked but now takes all he can.  I also realized you can forgive but you never, ever forget it because it leaves mental and emotional scars not to mention the physical ones too.    I go into the DT chat room everyday that I can and listen and most times talk a little and then I can feel a little better knowing there are those in there with worse problems than mine.  There are two special people in the chat room who make me smile and actually care deeply for their friends.  To them Bless You with all my heart for being there for me when I needed you even if you didn''t know.

1 Comment
  1. littlefrog 12 years ago

    Hey Snowy. You have so much on your mind. Hugs. Your grandson, I”m sure loves you so much and is just happy you”re there. He needs love and affection and I know that”s whatt you give him. You may be physically limited, but your heart sure isn”t, and he recieves that love from you and feels it and owns it.

    I know what it”s like to look at your "pharmacy" and have those thoughts and temptations. You are too beautiful a person to give in to such ugly darkness though. You will be ok, in spite of the physical pain and everything going on. you will come through it and out of it.

    Also, how courageous of you to forgive your father. That is so brave. Something to be proud of, and I am proud of you for it. That really is such a big deal.


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