So Im back again.  Just to update this sucker.  Lots of new things have been going on in my life.  I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my other half if you will.  THE ONE. J Ha. His name is Joseph Charles  and I love him with all of my heart.  He is just so wonderful.. and everything Ive ever wanted or hoped for in a man.  He treats me like royalty, a princess if you will? J When Im with him… it just feels like Im not sure life could get any better then this.  He pretty much saved my life.  He was my Christmas miracle.  While I was suffering from a deep depression and crazy suicidal tendancies..and seeking religious counseling.. my prayer minister/counselor if you will… prayed for a Christmas miracle… to show me that the holy spirit and god is listening.. I also prayed and prayed to find my soul mate.. and December 14th was the day I met him.  I wasn’t scared or nervous around him… it had felt like I had run into an old friend again..and that we were going to have so much fun that night!  We fell in love within two weeks of meeting eachother for the first time..and I moved in with him and out of my apartment with my roommate Lindsay to live with Joe.  So ever since early January, Joe and I have been living together… Isn’t it crazy how God works in mysterious ways? When I think back… I’m not sure if I would still be sitting here today if I wouldn’t have met him.  That’s how sick I really was.  I still am very sick.. but I think love is what saved me.. and now that Im comfortable and completely off of medicine.. something strange is coming back again.. This strange anxiety/paranoia.  Oh How I HATE it! I see things. Feel presences.  Feel like someone is following me.. or watching me.. it’s the worst feeling to have to have.  Specially when its clearly visible nobody is there.. (when I’m feeling presences) and only flashes of people.. there one minute and gone another.  Some people would describe this has having a psychotic episode.  Psychotic episode? Seriously? Me? Geez…. What is happening to me? Why can’t I control this.  Some parts of the bible believe that mental illness is a curse..and that it can be revoked.. and some parts believe that it’s a form of darkness within you… like an entity maybe? A demon? Something…. *sighs*  Jenny’s mom thinks that people who will do great things in life… and for God..and his word.. have horrible things like this happen to them.  I really don’t know what to think anymore.. But I definitely wish these feelings..paranoia/anxiety would go away.. ON THEIR OWN.. Without having to take medicine.. or call the psych doctor..and have him think Ive lost my marbles.. Ya know? Why can’t I just BE ME.  I know Ive said that 100x but anyone else who has this.. would totally understand.


That’s where I come to my next topic.. My cousin.  Heidi.  I cannot believe her.  This is the person who claims she loves me so much, I was the maid of honor in her wedding, we’ve grown up together..and she’s done this before.. talked about me behind my back, saying horrible things… I’ve never done anything but be good to her..and be a sweet loving cousin.. and this is how I am repaid.. her calling me a DRUNK WHORE..saying she needs to disown me? That I blame my life..and all my mishaps.. and misfortunes on bipolar…. GEEEZ. Then has the audacity to e-mail me her transcripts of her saying word for word of that to someone else (my cousins girlfriend, her brothers girlfriend.. who feels the need to tell everyone, how Heidi really is… a lil sh*t talker.. who goes behind peoples backs and says horrible things about them.. and then tries to condone it by saying.. you needed help.. I was just looking for advice.. well whatever f*ck that.  I don’t need people like that in my life.  I can’t believe her! ITS NOT MY FAULT I WAS SUICIDAL.  DOES SHE THINK I WANT TO BE THIS WAY?  Does she really think I want to make up that im seeing things? Or that Im spending my a lunatic.. just for fun? To go broke? Or everything else that is a CLEAR symptom of risky behavior associated with being BIPOLAR.  Ugh *Sighs* This is just me ranting and raving.. because it still bothers me just thinking about it.. OH AND THE FACT SHE MAKES FUN OF ME FOR SEEKING RELIGIOUS COUNSELING…. SCREW YOU. IM TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF A BETTER PERSON..AND ALL SHE CAN DO IS MAKE FUN OF ME.. YEAH THAT’S SUPER SUPPORTIVE.  What the hell right? She doesn’t even believe in God.  But then gets married in a church… Wow.  I really hope karma comes back to bite her in the ass.  I know it will someday.. for now.. I’m going to stick with not talking to her..


So for now.. maybe I will hop back into religious counseling..and enjoy life with Joe and  put all my time and love and energy into all the wonderful things we have together..and how happy I am to be with someone who is so right and so perfect for me.  He already told me he wanted to marry me.  I just cannot wait to start my life out as a wife to someone so wonderful.. I can’t wait till the day I have a cute rock on my finger..and I’m Joe’s wife. Awwwwe. 


Sometimes Love is all you need.


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