When I was 20 I got Married, in the first year I got pregnant and had a little girl. Then 18 months later I had another baby a boy. I have had some form of depression since I was in grade school. Everything was fine. I loved my husband and my daughter was wonderful and we lived at his mom's house and she pretty much took care of my little girl when she was an infant, so I don't know if I had the depression that you get after a baby is born. When I had my son I didn't know how seriously the depression or baby blues could be. but it is depression on top of depression. The hormones are doing horrible things and then bamm! I had the worst depression I could imagine. I felt like there was something on top of me like a heavy cloud. I couldn't get up and I would hear the babies cry in the morning and I couldn't move. I knew I was supposed to move to go change diapers and feed them and I guess somehow I did. One day I was watching tv and a comercial came on about something about children and if you were having trouble. I thought oh finally some kind of help. I didn't know if was child protective service. A lady came out within a couple of days and wanted to see the children and she saw that they were skinny, but we thought that since my husband and I were both skinny that that was normal for them. I thought this lady would talk to me and find out that I needed some help and would send me to appointments that would somehow help me. But oh no it didn't work that way. The lady took the kids away that night and told my husband that he couldn't get them back unless I was out of the household. I didn't know any better so I went back to live with my mom. I didn't know that i could get treatment myself and go to court to rejoin my family. My husband moved back in with his mother because he had a job. We belonged to a dance group and the lady who didn't have a partner would watch the kids. She loved kids. I wasn't there anymore and since by that time we were divorced. My now ex husband started dating her and eventually they married. They adopted a few more kids and my kids grew up not knowing me because the lady really didn't want any of my family around.

about 15 years past and I fell in Love with the guy who would be husband # 2. I thought he was so cute and I loved him very much and when I got pregnant with a boy he married me. again that depression it was always the worst after a baby was born. I couldn't keep up with the house and the baby but I spent all my time on the baby. My husband came home from work one day and his friend was having problems with his wife and somehow my husband caught a transference and started yelling at me at the top of his voice(he had never yelled at me before) he was acusing me of having sex with someone else. It broke my heart that he could even think that. but he yelled for 5 to 10 minutes straight. When it happened again and the second time he was throwing things and I had to shield my son. I knew things weren't going to get better. He kept me away from my family and they knew something was going on. So I called and got into a women's abuse shelter. I still loved him but was afraid of him. after a couple of months he got me to trust him again and I went back to him. Everything was fine for awhile and then it started again and I took my son and went to a shelter again. I found out that I was pregnant with a girl. she was born and we got housing and a divorce. I took care of the kids okay for a few years and was able to go to school and I met a guy that i liked alot. we would all go to the park together and once i went to another city with him to visit his mother. She liked the kids and became attatched I think. The next time we were going to go visit his mom I left my kids with my sister. I was starting to have problems with my depression again and had a break down and had to leave my kids with my sister. My family told me they would help me with the kids, like take them on weekends but they didn't. During the days of my breakdown. One day my mom and sister came to me and were asking me if my sister could adopt my daughter. Since I couldn't handle two kids by myself I agreed. My sister turned out to be a fantastic Mother (Super Mom) my daughter had a fantastic life with my sister, but now she wasn't my daughter anymore. If she fell down she wouldn't let me sooth her only my sister and I felt a huge sense of loss. My son and I had a nice apartment and I loved him so much. I loved all my children. We stayed together and it was wonderful. we were together until he was in 2nd grade. His dad started calling me and being very nice to me and my depression was acting up again. He asked if my son could come out to Tennessee for a little while. Well no one in my family was keeping their word and helping me out by taking him for the weekends I asked them alot I even asked my sister if he could visit with them for a week or two and the answer was no. The help wasn't there and I needed it. I gave in and let my son go to Tennessee and it was taking me awhile to get better. Finally I get an official paper that says that my ex was going for custody in Tennessee. I didn't get to see him any more after that. Several years later and my kids are over 18 and becoming their own persons. They write me or call me they get married. My children know I am their birth mother but I am not mom. I am just a relative named Becky. My grandchildren are not mine I am now an aunt to them. I have been on SSI for a long time and never have had much money to go visit or send gifts. I am no one important. My oldest daughter is in the hospital dying and all her co-workers and friends were coming by and they didn't know who I was so I told them that I was one of her mothers. No one knew about me. My daughter said that I was confusing her friends.

As I was driving home I was thinking about all her friends and how some were near tears. I was thinking that if I was dying would anyone care. I feel like nothing to my children, I don't know if they know my story . I have two friends one who I have known for 25 years he helps me with money during the month because I can never get all my bills paid and have enough food for the part of the month that i don't have food stamps. He has always chosen other people above me . time and time again someone else is more important than I am. If i died he would have one less to give a hand out to. but he says I am special to him. My other friend has always been a bachelor and will always be ok being by himself.

I don't think of suicide. My thing I always say is that when you feel that way it isn't that you should die but that your life is telling you that something has to change. I am stabile on my meds and I feel that I have friends on here to talk to if something is so bad.

later in the day I talked to my friend in Washington and he was talking about how great he thinks it is that I am going to start studying for Pharmacy Technician and that he feels that it could really work out for me. That got me not feeling so bad because he wants my successes to be successes with him in the future. I was watching TV and I started hearing people moving furniture on the stairs. The nice single guy from upstairs was moving a couch set out. guess what, I have been praying that someway I could get a couch. The couch he was trading out was still very nice. no significant stains. Now my apartment is almost complete. It had me so happy and now I can invite people over . I am so excited now. This day has been very down and then it came up so high. Life really isn't so bad for me when I think of it. yes it disappoints me that my kids have other moms. When I think of it I do have friends, just not close friends but friends who would care.