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Not sure what it is like anymore to really be normal.  I am trying to be brave due to my daughter has a soccer game over an hour away, to a place I have never been before.  I am taking our GPS and hitting the road later.  She is on a new soccer team and neither of us feel like we "fit" in.  It is very difficult when you are the "new ones' to the team.  This will be the 3rd uncomfortable game in less than two weeks. 

My depression has been getting the best of me and I have tried to cut with objects available to me.  Fortunately for others but unfortunately for me, none of them have been sharp enough to relieve any of the pain inside me.  Going to the drawer and picking up something sharp would key up too many signals for my husband that I am not normal.  But what in the world is normal?  To me that is normal.

My mom recently got hurt by a fall and I have been trying to help take care of her.  My therapist would like to start day hospitalizations where I am an outpatient and get to go home at night.  I am not sure if my insurance company would allow this or not, or how my family would react to me doing this.  They have such a hard time when I get hospitalized, but it is almost that time again.  Being abusive to myself seems so natural at times like this.  I am just hurting inside and cannot express it good enough. 

I haven't been normal for years.  My normal is being stressed and depressed.  I just needed to write even though all I am doing is rambling on.  I miss the old me.  The confident me.  The secure me.  I guess I imagined that once upon a time, I was all of these things, but I cannot remember when I was any of these things.


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