I am a trans woman.

Well, it might be a little more nuanced than that but I have scoured the internet looking for resources and people to talk to about this topic in search of an answer.  I very much want to go through HRT to change my physical appearance and my emotions to something resembling more of a female.

The whole thing has confused me for a long time but not my entire life. I  wasn’t necessarily happy but more content being male. I have no issue with my penis, no problem with my male name, and growing up as a boy didn’t seem distressing. I had plans with my girlfriend/wife to have children, I questioned my sexuality, but I had this strange desire that I could not explain. I felt there was no way I could be trans because I didn’t seem trans enough.

Consuming pornography was an outlet I used and it only helped a small bit and felt shallow. I thought it was a fetish and that led to nothing but guilt and shame. I hated myself and wished I could just turn this off to be normal.

Doing research using resources that healthcare professionals use to explain the process and what to expect with the timeline furthered my choice to think “I can’t be Trans”. It was one-dimensional with breast development, penis and testicle atrophy, more emotional, hair thinning halting, and reduced/thinning body hair. The tradeoffs didn’t seem that with my current situation at the time.

After 15 years I finally opened up to my wife about feeling feminine and wanting to wear women’s clothing. It was met with very mixed feelings because she is not attracted to women and even though she would support a friend, she was unsure if she could support a spouse. I felt deflated and the tradeoff seemed worse than ever. I let these feelings stagnate for another year and a half and I was still unhappy with my situation.

I went into a depersonalization state for a month and I denied anything feminine for myself. People around me could tell something was off and I just played it off as I was tired. Time seemed to pass weirdly and I would go into autopilot. I finally broke and told my Wife. She told me to do what I needed to but if I went too far that she wouldn’t follow. I finally purchased some women’s clothing and I was afraid of finding it was just a fetish. I was afraid of arousal and nervously put them on for the first time but the only thing I felt was happiness I had never experienced before.

Over the next bit of exploring, I found my desire for pornography went right down and only happened when I felt like I was stuck from exploring further. One day I was just irritated having not progressed that I went into my wife’s closet and picked a dress that would fit. I put some padding for my breasts and looked in the mirror and for the first time, I saw her smile. There was still no arousal just pure happiness and I could not stop smiling.

I was still very doubtful about being trans thinking “Maybe just gender fluid” but as I started to shed some of the guilt and shame of wanting this, the worse my dysphoria got and I wanted to stay in the little female clothes I had.

Then came the transtimelines subreddit… I do not like my face because it is my father and I hate seeing that reminder, and I always thought “Even if I go on HRT, I’ll need makeup to fix that’. Seeing all those lovely ladies’ transformations has made me cry. From their eyes being bigger and showing their genuine smiles, their face changing shape from fat distribution, fat going migrating to their butt/hips, and well breast duh. On my dysphoria days, I want HRT so badly it hurts at times.

Right now I am not in a position to transition. I have a wife in a situation that needs support and even if we separate, I want to be there for her as a good friend. I also need to get in a better financial state if I am to be single. I need to think of a more local support system. So in the meantime, I am a girl working on herself with other aspects like voice training or anything else that is little to no cost.