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I don't understand. It feels as though my family always wants to bring me down. I know they don't purposely intend to- my brother especially. I can't even put to words how he has made me feel this morning. I haven't felt this way in a long time and it scares me to know i'm going down there again. I'm trying to stop myself from going deeper and deeper but i have no one to talk to because i'm literally alone now. I never stopped to think that i've pushed EVERYONE out of my life and now i'm on my own. I sometimes tell myself i'm better off on my own because it makes sense as to having all of my supposedly closest friends walk out on me or screw me over... I just can't think straight anymore. I look out of the windows and look at the sun- it's meant to be bright and happy right? However, it feels draining and painful to look at to the point i lock myself in my room with the blinds closed and the light turned off curled into bed. I always knew i was the 'different' one. Dad tries to tell me i'm not different but anyone with a depressed mind thinks differently and acts differently. A part of me thinks he's right but the majority of me feels as though i'm an outsider, a ghost walking through this world invisible to anyone and everyone around me. It makes no sense to me as to why i'm here. I think that God put me here for a reason. To deal and fight with depression ? Seems kinda unfair when the girl i sit with in my class has a perfect relationship with her family, gets straight A grades, has millions of friends and has made no mistakes. Why didn't i get that life? Why did i get chosen to put up with the pain and struggle? I like to think it's because i'm the strongest and he created this fight for me because he believes i'll defeat it. However at times like this- i'm no hero. I feel like im drowning, my demons are pulling me down and i'm too weak to fight back. How am i meant to overcome this? My brother kicked me down. He outlined my flaws and pinned them right into my skin so i would feel the pain. It feels like he was dragging the pins through my skin- trying to get to me or something. I want to run away. I want to die. I don't want to walk this earth anymore with nobody. I don't want to leave my boyfriend but i feel as though he'll be better without me. I feel so bad he has to worry about me and worry that one day he'll wake up knowing i'm not here anymore. Why should an innocent soul have to live with that? Am i doing wrong by staying with him? He's the only reason i'm still going. He keeps me alive. He's the air i breathe. I live off him. He is my whole. My life. Without him i would be nothing. But a soul flying to heaven. Or hell. Wherever God believes i deserve to be put. My thoughts are all over the place and i can't begin to imagine a normal life anymore. Just when i had everything on track. I get kicked down and i'm back to square one. I hate my life- I hate living- I don't want to be anywhere anymore. But what's a life without a fight? I have no strength so how am i meant to pull through. How am i meant to live with my parents when i know they talk about me behind my back to my brother for him to just rip me to pieces. It's hard to follow my dreams and get away as i have no money. No life. No car. No knowledge. I'm not smart. I'm nothing. I deserve nothing. Nobody will read this because usually nobody cares anyway. No one has cared my whole life. They just think i'm another girl with a bit of sh*t going on. I'm done. 
1 Comment
  1. NotShakespeare 6 years ago

    At the end, we're all just another person "with a bit of sh*t going on.", so i guess it's fine. The fact that there are bad moments in life is great, because then we can enjoy the good moments. Be safe!

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