WARNING! STUPID AND USELESS AND TRIGGERING!

Hi. My name is Rachel. I’m 13. I do everything normal 13 year olds do: I go to school, I get dragged on shopping sprees with my mom and little sister, I get way too into my music, I stress about school and aim for grades I know I’ll never get, I cry, I bitch, I get into fights, I say things I shouldn’t, I fall in love with any boy that smiles at me and compliments me. But…I’m not normal at all. I have bad thoughts. I think about my own death as much as other people, normal people, think about what they’ll have for dinner, or what they’ll wear tomorrow. I doubt I’ll make it through high school, if I make it through middle school, that is. I know how I’d do it based on my previous attempts already: suffocation, drowning, jumping, hanging or shooting myself. Not “the cut” (looks too painful and you can be saved) not ODing (hurts to die and if you live you have to get your blood drawn and I’m terrified of needles, plus too much time to think about what I’m doing and regret it). I’ve tried suffocation, tried hanging myself, drowning myself, but I always chicken out or can’t take it. I’m a failure in every aspect, even like that. Pathetic, yes, but true. Two of my friends in real life have been to inpatient already, but I haven’t, even though I’m just as suicidal as them, or as they were. I’ll never get caught unless I’m dead. Anyways, to go back to the title of this stupid, rambling, pathetic pity party, in my free time, I have a habit of envisioning my death. In my head, there are always two scenarios: #1. The announcement comes on over the loudspeaker and my friends and crush cry and scream and beg for it to be a lie. There’s a pretty little ceremony and all my bullies, molesters, ex-boyfriends and ex-friends and people who say they care but I know don’t are gathered and they cry like good little performers then in a few weeks act like nothing happened and forget I ever existed. While I’m lowered in the ground, people cry and talk about what good a person I am (lie) that I had so much potential (potential for what?) that I was so perfect and pretty and had so much to live for (triple lie). But hey, it’d be nice to see all the kind words they can conjure up and pull out of their asses AFTER my heart stops beating. Scenario #2, the more likely scenario that is what would and will happen when I die, is nothing. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing, and the stars shine just as brightly, if not brighter, as when I was on this Earth. When the announcement comes on at school, kids laugh or yawn or ask “who was she again?” or “why the hell should I care?” or just act like nothing happened and continue working and ignore it. There’s no ceremony, and my bullies are pissed because they get in trouble for teasing me, tripping me, calling me names, my molesters are upset because I’m a selfish bitch and now they have to aim for higher, popular prey who always have rings of people surrounding them so they can’t get through to hurt them the way they hurt me. My parents are actually happy I’m gone and they don’t have to worry about me any more and Ta-da! their marriage is fixed but they act really sad, my sister is thankful that I finally took her advice, my friends and crush are glad they don’t have to put up with me anymore. No guilt, no shame, just happiness all around. No one attends my funeral. I don’t even have one.