You might have to read my previous blog to understand, but…
I saw my Doctor today, well, not my doctor, but a doctor. I called up yesterday in some form of hysterics and they gave me an appointment today.
I didn’t really know why I went, I just did, I didn’t expect them to suddenly take it all away or anything, or to solve my problems.
She was really nice, she didn’t make me go into details about things. Which was nice, because I really don’t think I could. I cried a little bit, but considering how much of a wreck I am after things, I did well.
She asked me about pressing charges, I told her I really have no clue who he was and I don’t ever want to find out. I have done nothing but shower for days. I feel fucking dirty.
The Doctor gave me some Diazepam to get me through the weekend, it’s only just gotten me through today, how am I going to get through the weekend?
I went to the doctors with a knife in my pocket. It was the only way I could let myself leave the house.
I still haven’t spoken to any of my friends, I presume that whoever he was has told them some other version of what happened and they are all laughing behind my back. I feel like the doctor probably was when I told her how pathetic I was.
She called it RAPE. I wanted to die there and then. It wasn’t rape, or was it? I don’t know, what If I just imagined everything?
I really need to talk to my CPN, really badly, but she will want me to press charges and find things out and I really can’t cope with it. Maybe I won’t tell her. I am seeing my Psychiatrist on Wednesday… I don’t think I can tell her.
What the fuck do I do?