I don't think I can remember,
Feeling care free, not living in a state of fear, being able to travel, not wanting to break down in tears 70% of the time and all the other crap that comes with this.
I try every day to live with this. My friend once said to me about something unrelated 'If you're not going to fix it, you're gonna have to learn to live with it' and I am going by that.
I have tried fixing it. I have tried living with it. But I feel that I am reaching the end of my tether. That I am on the verge of a breakdown.
I am fed up. When I do manage to curb these horrible thoughts, I almost feel like I'm lying to myself. 'I'm scared of the world' No I'm not that's ridiculous. But a little voice in the background is confirming that yep, you're trying to fool yourself.
But that's ridiculous right? I managed 22 years in this world totally content, except for a little fear of fainting that didn't affect my life much. I have travelled, I have seem some beautiful things.
I have been blessed in this life, but now I'm too scared to lead it?
Why do I feel trapped by my surroundings? I hate being too far from the sea. Its absoloutely ridiculous. I always dreamed of living in the country, in a gorgeous little cottage. Now my dreams have to involve being close to the coast. But why should my dreams change? Where has this fear come from?
I'm pretty certain that I will spend the rest of my life in this country. An airplane? Me? Don't be ridiculous.
Nevermind even travelling in this country. Am I stuck here forever? In my home town?
I feel like I don't belong. Like I shouldn't be here.