Where do I start?

I've made a mess out of things.

I filed for divorce after being with the same person for 30 years. He had/has a drug problem that landed him in jail for four and a half years. I have tried to "fix" him for years, and in turn, lost myself.

After being alone for three years, I started seeing someone I work with. He was unhappily married. I really didn't care, it was a matter of convienience. Bad move. I fell hopelessly in love with him. I like not having him under foot all day every day, but I love the way he treats me and watches out for me. I do fully understand nothing will ever come from this relationship. I'm alright with that, to a point.

I feel like a horrible person because I would have never "hooked" up with a married man at any other time in my life. It has always been the wrong thing to do, but something made me over look my thoughts on this.

He has been mistreated and used, much like myself. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know and except for the obvious, he's a great person. I just can't get him out of my mind.

These thoughts are part of my anxiety problem. The rest has been an ongoing cycle that I haven't been able to break. I work hard at a decent job, but every few months or so, I find myself in a position where I'm going to lose everything. I've usually been able to work my way through all of these issues, but it's getting harder.

I'm tired. I don't know how I got here, but I know I really need for things to change. I find myself overwhelmed with all of the bills and the divorce. I guess some part of me is scared. I haven't been alone since I was 19 years old.....I'll be 49. That's a long time!!!!!!

I used to take prozac and klonopin to help deal with my anxiety and depression. I let the doc take me off the meds back in July or August.Man, that was rough. The highs were really high, but the lows were soul crushing!!!! I've found my middle ground, but now, out of nowhere, my anxiety flares up. I really don't want to go back on any meds, so I try to deal with all of this constructively. Sometimes it's really hard to get myself refocused on something else.

I know all of this is not the end of the world. Things are not as bad as my anxiety would like me to believe.

I just want to smile. I want to find happiness and I really want to get my life together.

I've made some bad choices. I've made some good choices, too.

Sometimes, I just need a friend.

1 Comment
  1. bridgie101 7 years ago

    As one divorcee to another: be careful about love. Anxiety makes you clutch at security, and clutch at love. It\'s a scientific, biological, continuation of the species thing: anxiety is a survival tool in the wild. Beware when you think you are in love when you have anxiety, because I learned personally to my cost that one can feel intense, extreme feelings of loyalty bonding and alliance to someone when you have anxiety, which you might not feel if you did not. 🙂

    1 kudos

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