I’m not really sure what to write about, I just feel like writing. We went to our tax appointment yesterday, and learned that we will be getting a sizeable refund. That’s a relief, because we owe back taxes for 2016, and our refund for 2020 will cover the expense. I hope we get it soon. And then we will get our stimulus checks as well. The tax preparer told me to check the IRS website in a few days to find out when we will get our payment. I’m feeling really weird, how I wish my husband were home with me! I don’t feel ok, and I’m really scared! I went to the store this morning, and the world just looked so dark to my eyes, I can’t believe it. I bought veggies and soymilk. I can’t stand the darkness anymore, I know I wrote about that yesterday. I feel like I’m slipping away from the world, I can’t explain what is happening to me, I just know that I can’t take it anymore! My husband won’t be home for another seven hours, I can’t believe how slowly time is going by! I need time to move faster!

I can’t take this awful feeling anymore, it feels like I’m disappearing fast! My husband said, “Baby you’re ok, it’s just a feeling.” But it doesn’t feel like just a feeling, it feels like this is really happening to me! I don’t know what to do, I am barely hanging on! He told me not to forget that I have an illness, and that I always overcome. So that means I will overcome this! I have to, I don’t know what else to do! It’s just a combination of my schizophrenia and side effects from my medication. It’s just me who sees this darkness; everyone I’ve spoken to about it says they see the world like normal, no dark shadows. It’s just me. I don’t understand it, but there it is. I have to overcome this, it’s just terrible how I’m feeling!

The thing is, I have no control over how I feel, it just happens to me. It feels like the whole world is slipping away from me, and that I and everything around me are disappearing. I just did ten push ups to see if that would help me feel grounded, but it didn’t help. I’m going to do 3 more sets of 10. My husband thinks that having a regular exercise routine will help me greatly. I’m sure it will, though it’s tough to get started on it. Hold on, let me do another set. It’s not helping me feel any better, I don’t feel grounded, I feel like I’m bloody floating away here! I don’t know what the heck to do! I just opened the window in the living room, it’s getting warm already. I hate this weather. I want clouds! I want rain! It doesn’t seem like we’ll be getting any rain anytime soon, it’s all just sun sun sun. I’m so sick of the sun I could scream. What happened to April showers bring May flowers? We need some April showers!

Today is April Fools’ Day, but I couldn’t think of any pranks to do on my husband. My mind is going blank at an alarming rate, I don’t even know how I’m here typing this right now. It feels like I am barely here, barely breathing, barely existing at all! I don’t know how I survive this each and every day! I’m drinking an oolong tea right now. I’m coming to the end of my journal notebook, I can’t believe I’ve gone through it so fast. I’m scared out of my mind right now! It feels like I’m disappearing! I go through this every single day but I’m scared because it always gets worse and not better, how much worse could it possibly get? My therapist said symptoms like these typically plateau, but that’s not happening to me! I wish it would plateau, I could really use a break from this terrible feeling. It only gets worse and that’s why I’m so full of despair. I’m going to go make the bed right now. Ok, I’ve made the bed, and put away our big brown blanket, the weather is too warm now to have that on the bed. Now I’m steeping a genmaicha. I can’t stand how this feels, what I am going through here all by myself! It feels like I am disintegrating, literally. For some reason, KCSM isn’t playing any music, and the silence is freaking me out! I don’t know why it’s not working. It’s really bizarre, I have the page open, and it says it’s playing, but there is no sound.

I have turned on KDFC, I have to have some sound going on, the silence is deafening. But I really prefer jazz to classical, so it’s a bummer. I just blew out my protection candle. I anointed it yesterday with rosemary oil for protection. Rosemary is a protective herb. I used it yesterday in a banishing spell, and so every time I light it, I bring back the power of that spell, to continue banishing all harmful energies. I drank black tea (Irish Breakfast) this morning also for that reason, to dispel harmful energies and for courage. Black tea is a powerful drink for banishing and closing/endings. Now I am drinking genmaicha, which is a green tea with roasted rice. Green tea is good for physical healing, which I need as well. Oolong is good for wisdom, meditation and deep concentration.

I can’t stand the way I’m feeling right now, it’s just awful! And I don’t want to listen to classical music, I want to hear jazz! But the station’s website isn’t playing music! I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t stand how awful I’m feeling right now, I really don’t know what to do. I’m praying and praying, and nothing gets better! It’s like God is not there at all! He just has to be there, somewhere. I can’t envision a world without God. But that would explain why everything looks so dark and creepy, and why I feel like I’m disappearing! Because without God, who can exist? Do I exist? I am wondering that because I feel like I am barely here at all! Everyone tells me I’m not disappearing, and that I’m fully here, and that they are real too, but it feels like nothing is real, no one is real, and I don’t exist either. That’s just my psychosis, I suppose. In truth, everything is ok, I’m just dealing with a severe mental illness. It’s a combination of my symptoms and side effects from my medication. When will it get better? When will I finally feel safe and secure, and feel normal again? Because I can’t take this anymore.


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