I couldn’t say these words to you, so here I am like a coward typing them up. Maybe one day, when you’re paying attention to me again, I’ll say them to you.

Well, I do know one thing. I know that your eyes are filled with sunlight, I know that you are the sweetest thing, and that no matter how sad I am, your there for me. Whether I realise it or not, I know you’re watching me. Sometimes it gets so hard when I become irrational. When things get so dark and I can’t seem to find myself anymore. Sometimes I don’t understand why you don’t help me out. But I’m realising now why you just sit there watching me. You want to see me see the worst of the world, so I become stronger, so that I can take anything as it comes when I get out, right? You want to see growing up; even if it’s meant to be that I’m alone.

I know you think sometimes I hate you, but I don’t. It’s just that I get so upset, and I don’t know how to control myself. I find it so hard believing in you sometimes, for reasons I don’t even understand. Everyone says you’re the greatest energy in the world, but I want to see you with my own eyes. I want you to personally come to me, and get to know me as much as I want to get to know you. I want you to knock on my door, and let me come with you, into the white lights. I want you to show me where you live. I want you to clean my heart. I want you to let me free.

It’s amazing how strong you are. Sometimes I debate whether or not you are real, and you know what? With every reason I can come up with you not being real, you leave that doubt in my mind which makes me come running back to you. I don’t know why I’m so scared of talking to you. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid you won’t listen, that you won’t care. Maybe I’m afraid because I still don’t know where I belong, because I am ashamed for not knowing. I’m scared of opening my heart to you, because my heart is already so weak as it is right now.

It’s so strange, I see people praying for you every day. They don’t even pray loyally, or really mean it when they recite your holy verses. They don’t listen to you, or even try to be with you, yet you give them everything they need. Throughout all these years, I’ve sat down and prayed with my heart, crying to reach you, yet you never gave me anything. Instead you gave me disease, you gave me sadness, and you gave me heartbreak. I’ve tried telling myself I hated you, but it’s strange how I still love you with all my heart.

I find myself dreaming about you, dreaming about how amazing you are. Sometimes I get jealous because you’re so perfect, but then I remember you sent a piece of your light into my soul when I was born, so when I would grow up I would have the same hope as you do. I might not be the best person, in fact, I might be the worst. I know there will be days I will break your heart, I know there will be days that I will curse you, hate you, stop believing in you. But as beautiful as you are, you will bring me back. And I just want to say thank you, for doing it every single time I pushed you away. Somehow, you managed to bring me back.

 

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