So I've been on the Depression Tribe for a while, but decided to join here to write about anxiety. SoI did my weekly grocery shopping. I tried to pay attention to how I felt and why. I was steering my cart around extra carefully cause I was afraid I was gonna knock stuff over or something. I felt uneasy out of fear that something embarrassing would happen. So then in the self checkout I randomly starting blushing. I wasn't even sure why. I think it's cause some people were waiting behind me. I'm a vegan and don't want people to notice the weird food I get. I feel self conscious about it. Like, are they judging me cause I'm getting almondmilk and beans? Thinking about this is making me realize I do feel self conscious about that. I avoid social situations where people might be eating cause I don't want people to notice I'm on such a weird diet, and I really dread people asking questions about it. But it's an important decision to me, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

I saw something that if a situation makes you anxious, try to put yourself in it for 30 minutes and it will get better over time. So I've been going shopping alone, because that makes my anxiety worse. Being homeschooled all my life, I never had much experience going out on my own, except when I was babysitting. So it's scary!I feel that doing something embarrassing is worse when I'm alone than when I'm with someone. If I'm with someone, I can laugh it off. If I'm alone, I just look stupid. So I have this big fear of embarrassment, like it's just one of the worst things ever. But the worst part is the blushing! Feeling anxious is bad enough! I don't need people to see it! That's really gotten to be a problem lately. It used to happen just when I'd read at church, but now it happens almost every time I'm checking out at the store. I tried to focus on how I was feeling. I mostly felt fine. I don't even know why it happens. Mostly subconscious I guess, so of course I can't choose to make it stop. Urgh! I hope it does. It's terrible.I really don't want to go and buy groceries anymore cause it's so embarrassing. Not that anyone says anything. I make it into a bigger dea than it is.

I really don't know why I have all this anxiety. I've always been shy, but not anxiety like this. It started…maybe 2012 or so. And I have no idea why. I don't recall anything happening that would have caused this. And over the last year or so it's gotten way worse, maybe cause I've been extremely isolated for a long time. So I'm trying to find ways to get out more. I'm hoping next month I can go on a shopping spree and buy new clothes. Alone of course. I have to stop asking someone to go with me. I remember when I went to the mall alone for some jeans it was awesome feeling so independent! So maybe that will help. And maybe I can track it here!

I hope this anxiety goes away. It's so annoying and stupid. Why is my subconscious mind so upset when I feel fine? I don't get it. Well mostly fine. I need to stop feeling self conscious about my diet. I just feel like a weirdo.

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