Hi, I go by Kate. I am 20 years old and I am engaged to a wonderful girl. I grew up with a good life, couldn’t be any better (to me at least). I grew up with only my mom until about 6. It was perfect. My mom has always been my best friend, well not always but at that point, always. My mom knew everything down to my first kiss (in detail). So blah blah blah, we were best friends and we knew everything about each other. Well, she brought this guy into my life, Jon. She was hesitant to introduce us, which I obviously knew he must have been a HUGE deal if she was introducing us. So, Honestly I don’t remember actually meeting, but it must have been good vibes about him because he very quickly became my best friend. He was around everyday then led to living with us. We did so so so much as a family. I didn’t think perfect could get any better, well I was WRONG. We went to eat (way way to much), we went to football games, Disney on ice, Universal Studios, Cedar Point, Six Flags, Kings Island (we went on trips every single summer at the least). We moved into a new house and things only go better. Well, this lasted for 7 or 8 years. Then, it felt like my world fell apart.. He left, my mom acted “hard”…explain this later. So I was devastated, I had lost what felt like two best friends.. he was gone and my mom wasn’t herself. Well I started rebelling, I didn’t adjust well. I started hanging with bad people I called “My friends”. Long story short I drank, smoked and ended up being rapped by best friend and her husband. I  didn’t tell anyone. I went home and laid in bed for a week, I had horrible pains and about two weeks later I had bleeding.. (I was a virgin until this happened). Well I didn’t tell ANYBODY for 2 years, then I told the girl I was dating (huge mistake). After that I told my best friend at the time, now my Fiance. She encouraged me to talk about it. She encouraged me to write it out, burn the paper and go to counseling, etc. So I have been battling PTSD, anxiety and more since then. She has been pretty supporting. So we got engaged, got our own place and she got me a puppy for my 20th birthday. This have been almost perfect but I don’t feel “complete”.  I lost Jon the guy I called Dad and that was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I still cry and everything daily. He would have helped but I have browsed lightly about gender identity for a couple years now. Yet, recently things have become more constant in my head and I want to figure myself out… My fiance says “your born male or female” but I strongly disagree before I even had my own self doubts, I have believed in creating your own gender Identity. I just cant seem to figure out my gender Identity, and I don’t feel I have the support to do that.