Why can’t you just get over it? Why do you just sit and ponder on things that happened that you can’t change? I hate these questions. I would love to be able to forget and wipe the memories from my mind. I would like nothing more than to wake up one day completely healed but that’s not how this works. Why can’t anyone understand? That’s my question. I’m not okay and I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself better.

My psychologist suggested that I tell my story as many times as I can to as many people as I can. She said the more I let everything out the more it will help me. I don’t know about that but it’s worth a try. So here it is:

I got pregnant and married at a young age. 15 to be exact. It was my way to get out of a bad situation at home where I was being sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend. Needless to say my mother didn’t believe me because the boyfriend said I was lying so I needed a way out. So I told my boyfriend what was going on and we decided to get pregnant so we could get married. He was 18 and I was 15. I knew my mom wouldn’t press charges and would sign the papers for me to get married cause at that point she just wanted me out of the house. She had actually told me to get pregnant. The fist couple years of marriage were ok. My husband was always overly jealous. He always said that was because he loved me so much. I was young then and didn’t think much of it. We had our second child after three years of marriage. I got a little bit of depression after I had her and told my husband I needed to go talk to someone. He told me I was stupid there wasn’t no such thing as depression. So I just dealt with it. My husband became very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. He didn’t want me to get a job because he said guys would see me. His aunt had offered me a job at a day care she owned where only women worked but he said no because men would be coming there to pick up there children. He refused to let use his car to try and get my drivers license. We lived way back in a holler and besides his parents our closest neighbors were a mile away. I felt trapped and lonely.

One night I told him I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t take being controlled and I wanted to leave and get a divorce. He got really angry and started yelling and got his pistol out and threatened to kill him self if I left. That really scared me so I stayed. He had never hit me or anything like that. But the emotional and psychiatric abuse got worse.  Along with sexual abuse. If I didn’t do what he wanted every night he would flip out in rage until I gave in or he would just take it. But every time I told him I was leaving he went back to threatening to kill himself. He knew he scared me with that and I would stay.

My mother in law passed away and that really set my husband off. He was extremely close to both of his parents.  After she passed he started drinking every night. He said so he could sleep without dreaming about her. Then it got to where he was drinking everyday all day long.

We were married for 11 years when I finally stood up to him and said I’m going back to school and I’m getting a job. My plans were to make my own money so I could afford my own place and be able to take care of my kids on my own. And he knew that I would eventually ask him once again for a divorce. I loved going back to college and I loved my job. But I couldn’t keep up with both and take care of my kids and the house and everything. So I ended up dropping school.

I tried to talk to him about his drinking but he wouldn’t hear it.  Our oldest daughter begged him to stop and would cry but he would still drink wherever we went. And not just drink he would get dog drunk no matter if it was Christmas or what. My daughters started begging me to leave. They said they were scared and their dad was always yelling. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want my kids to live like that and have to see their dad that way. I know he was depressed after losing his mom and I tried to get him to get help but he wouldn’t. I’d go to work and come home from a 16 hour shift and he’d be passed out drunk on the couch with a lit cigarette and my kids would be asleep. That had me scared to go to work. What if I came home to fire because he couldn’t resist even for their safety. So once again I told him I wanted a divorce. But this time it was different. This time he didn’t argue. He cried. He said I know you’re not happy but can’t you stay because I’m happy?  I told him no I’ve stayed long enough for his happiness and he really needed to get help. I told him I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him. And if you love someone you care about their happiness too and he never cared about mine. And it went a week we didn’t fight or anything. Then Monday and Tuesday he got home from work and would come in and eat then he would go to his dads and stay the night. He said we shouldn’t stay the night together.

And then Wednesday. The day I wish I could forget. July 22,2015. My girls wanted to go stay the night with friends because school started the next month. So I drove them to their friends house. My husband calls me while I’m still at my youngest daughters friends house talking to her mother. He starts cussing me over the phone. Screaming loudly. My friends mother can hear him. I start crying and tell her I better go. I was upset that he called just cussing me out of nowhere and having me crying in front of my friend. So I drive home crying. I walk in the house and go to the bedroom and start packing my stuff at this point I just want to leave. My husband comes up from his dads and comes in the house and to the bedroom. He yells amd asks what I’m doing. I said packing my stuff I can’t take it anymore. He grabs my grandpas shotgun off the gun rack and says he’ll just end it all now. I grab the gun and try to pull it from him and I say stop it you always do that. He said no you stop it. And he sat down on our bed. I expected him to talk like always.  I turn around to shut the drawer that I had emptied. And….

That was it. “No you stop it.” That was the last thing he said to me. And over a year later the images I seen after I turned around are still there. So no I can’t just get over it. I can’t let it go.

13 Comments
  1. abrokenman 4 years ago

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through that and witness such a horrible incident that had to be very hard for you to sit down and pour all your emotions out like that to all of us on here. I hope in time you will heal from this both inside as well as outside and move forward and climb up the hill of life to get to a better and happier path in life.

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  2. dpmc02 4 years ago

    I’m so sorry that you have endured so much abuse and pain. I don’t know how to “just forget,” either, though I wish I could. I can’t and then feel guilty for not being “normal.” I like the idea of sharing our stories, though. Thank you for sharing yours. I’ll say a prayer for you and your girls.

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      jennifermae 4 years ago

      Thank you. I’ll pray for you too. It does help to talk and share your story. I don’t think we’ll ever forget. My goal is to be able to cope. Don’t feel guilty. Its a long hard road to recovery. But we can get better 🙂 My therapist told me that I may never be the person I was before but that doesn’t mean that I won’t come out of this a better and stronger person than I was before. I’d be okay with that 🙂 Hang in there

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  3. delane 4 years ago

    ****Hugs****
    JenniferMae, that’s one HUGE load to carry!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!
    i’m glad your girls were at friends’ places when it happened, but at the same time, NO ONE should have to deal with this weight, especially alone. Have you spoken with any ‘professionals’ about it? Taking any meds or supplements? (just wondering, here, because sometimes, they really can help…) Your kids need you and they need you to be….whole–or as whole as you can be–for them.

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      jennifermae 4 years ago

      Thank you Delane. It has been rough to say the least. At first I just kept everything in and tried to be strong for my girls. I thought I was handling things okay until we were coming up on the one year anniversary of his passing. I was having nightmares then bad anxiety. My gp started me on Zoloft. I took only one pill and that day I went crazy. Thoughts of suicide and just a nervous wreck. I voluntarily went back to the hospital and they kept me in the behavioral unit for a week til they could get my meds figured out. They said that it wasn’t the Zoloft that did that to me it was all the stress and anxiety from what had happened. I also had an episode that was like a seizure which I have never had a seizure in my life. They said that was my body’s reaction to the stress build up. I am currently on Paxil and vistaril. I take remeron to help me sleep. And I also do therapy once a week which helps too. I still have anxiety attacks almost everyday but I’ve learned how to handle them. My advice to anyone going through something in life is to talk about it. Don’t keep it in. It will take its toll on your body even when you think it’s not.

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  4. delane 4 years ago

    You’re so right! i’m glad you’re here.

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  5. bridgie101 4 years ago

    Dude you haven’t ended the story. You haven’t finished it. Your counsellor told you to tell the story.

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    • bridgie101 4 years ago

      sorry if that was blunt but still: it’s euphemistic to leave it to our imaginations. It’s healing to tell the actual truth. So he shot himself? I’m assuming that’s what happened? If it happened then I think you need to say it. for your own sake.

      And watch out for every clown in town feeding you pills. This is grief. People have got through grief for thousands of years without a ton of medication. it’s awful, but it passes. If you anaesthetise it too much and for too long you won’t ever get through it.

      JMHO obviously. and I’m a fellow sufferer, not a doctor – but I’ve had some very useless advice from doctors and they all just love giving you pills.

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        jennifermae 4 years ago

        No apologies needed and you’re right I didn’t finish the story. There is so much more I could tell and go on and on with. In fact the story hasn’t ended here or in my life either. Yes he did shoot hisself. I stood outside in shock and waited for the ambulance, cops and coroner to get there. Which seemed to take forever. I couldn’t call my kids because this is something I needed to tell them in person. But of course with Facebook and on count of us living in a small town word was already getting around and people were messaging them and asking if they were ok before I ever had a chance to talk to them. I couldn’t leave because I had to give statement to 3 police officers and then a detective showed up and I had to give him my statement and take pictures and do a gun residue test on my hands so they could be sure that I hadn’t done it. All that alone was bad enough but I couldn’t help but worry about my kids. I wanted to leave to be with them. A lot of his family showed up and very few of them talked to me. A few days later I found out why. They started spreading rumors that I had shot my husband. All because the detective had did his job and done normal protocol. Our house was on my father in laws land he had told me to get my things out as soon as possible and let him know when we were done so he could burn the house down. My girls and I stayed in a hotel for a while, then lived in a camper until we could find a house I was able to afford. We had to leave a lot of stuff behind. And there were things that my father in law wouldn’t let us get that we are now going to go to court over. But when I did get the autopsy report back I took it to my father in law and I said here read it. He said no I don’t need too. I got it out and handed it to his girlfriend and told her to read it to him. She said it says suicide-self inflicted gun shot wound. It made him mad that I really didn’t do it.
        And yes I also agree with the meds. I am on a really low dose and I won’t let them up any thing. The vistaril is only as needed and I rarely take them. I am used to not taking anything. Not even a Tylenol.

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  6. lucywinterburn 4 years ago

    You are a surviver! You have been through so much and you are doing so well. Life throws things at us that we dont deserve. I wish you and your children happiness. You will get through this, you already are xx

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      jennifermae 4 years ago

      Thank you so much! Some days I feel I’m barely getting through. Just winging it and hoping for the best. I’m so glad I found this place.

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  7. flashdance 4 years ago

    I believe that one day you will be the same!!! 🙂 I believe that you WILL heal from this and you WILL forgive. I also believe that eventually you will forget to get upset when you are reminded. I’m so, SO sorry that you ever had to go through any of this. You and your children should not have endured that. Keep your head up and always walk forward.

    good luck in your journey to peace

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