Why can’t you just get over it? Why do you just sit and ponder on things that happened that you can’t change? I hate these questions. I would love to be able to forget and wipe the memories from my mind. I would like nothing more than to wake up one day completely healed but that’s not how this works. Why can’t anyone understand? That’s my question. I’m not okay and I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself better.
My psychologist suggested that I tell my story as many times as I can to as many people as I can. She said the more I let everything out the more it will help me. I don’t know about that but it’s worth a try. So here it is:
I got pregnant and married at a young age. 15 to be exact. It was my way to get out of a bad situation at home where I was being sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend. Needless to say my mother didn’t believe me because the boyfriend said I was lying so I needed a way out. So I told my boyfriend what was going on and we decided to get pregnant so we could get married. He was 18 and I was 15. I knew my mom wouldn’t press charges and would sign the papers for me to get married cause at that point she just wanted me out of the house. She had actually told me to get pregnant. The fist couple years of marriage were ok. My husband was always overly jealous. He always said that was because he loved me so much. I was young then and didn’t think much of it. We had our second child after three years of marriage. I got a little bit of depression after I had her and told my husband I needed to go talk to someone. He told me I was stupid there wasn’t no such thing as depression. So I just dealt with it. My husband became very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. He didn’t want me to get a job because he said guys would see me. His aunt had offered me a job at a day care she owned where only women worked but he said no because men would be coming there to pick up there children. He refused to let use his car to try and get my drivers license. We lived way back in a holler and besides his parents our closest neighbors were a mile away. I felt trapped and lonely.
One night I told him I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t take being controlled and I wanted to leave and get a divorce. He got really angry and started yelling and got his pistol out and threatened to kill him self if I left. That really scared me so I stayed. He had never hit me or anything like that. But the emotional and psychiatric abuse got worse. Along with sexual abuse. If I didn’t do what he wanted every night he would flip out in rage until I gave in or he would just take it. But every time I told him I was leaving he went back to threatening to kill himself. He knew he scared me with that and I would stay.
My mother in law passed away and that really set my husband off. He was extremely close to both of his parents. After she passed he started drinking every night. He said so he could sleep without dreaming about her. Then it got to where he was drinking everyday all day long.
We were married for 11 years when I finally stood up to him and said I’m going back to school and I’m getting a job. My plans were to make my own money so I could afford my own place and be able to take care of my kids on my own. And he knew that I would eventually ask him once again for a divorce. I loved going back to college and I loved my job. But I couldn’t keep up with both and take care of my kids and the house and everything. So I ended up dropping school.
I tried to talk to him about his drinking but he wouldn’t hear it. Our oldest daughter begged him to stop and would cry but he would still drink wherever we went. And not just drink he would get dog drunk no matter if it was Christmas or what. My daughters started begging me to leave. They said they were scared and their dad was always yelling. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want my kids to live like that and have to see their dad that way. I know he was depressed after losing his mom and I tried to get him to get help but he wouldn’t. I’d go to work and come home from a 16 hour shift and he’d be passed out drunk on the couch with a lit cigarette and my kids would be asleep. That had me scared to go to work. What if I came home to fire because he couldn’t resist even for their safety. So once again I told him I wanted a divorce. But this time it was different. This time he didn’t argue. He cried. He said I know you’re not happy but can’t you stay because I’m happy? I told him no I’ve stayed long enough for his happiness and he really needed to get help. I told him I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him. And if you love someone you care about their happiness too and he never cared about mine. And it went a week we didn’t fight or anything. Then Monday and Tuesday he got home from work and would come in and eat then he would go to his dads and stay the night. He said we shouldn’t stay the night together.
And then Wednesday. The day I wish I could forget. July 22,2015. My girls wanted to go stay the night with friends because school started the next month. So I drove them to their friends house. My husband calls me while I’m still at my youngest daughters friends house talking to her mother. He starts cussing me over the phone. Screaming loudly. My friends mother can hear him. I start crying and tell her I better go. I was upset that he called just cussing me out of nowhere and having me crying in front of my friend. So I drive home crying. I walk in the house and go to the bedroom and start packing my stuff at this point I just want to leave. My husband comes up from his dads and comes in the house and to the bedroom. He yells amd asks what I’m doing. I said packing my stuff I can’t take it anymore. He grabs my grandpas shotgun off the gun rack and says he’ll just end it all now. I grab the gun and try to pull it from him and I say stop it you always do that. He said no you stop it. And he sat down on our bed. I expected him to talk like always. I turn around to shut the drawer that I had emptied. And….
That was it. “No you stop it.” That was the last thing he said to me. And over a year later the images I seen after I turned around are still there. So no I can’t just get over it. I can’t let it go.