Why can’t words come out of my mind and mouth the way I want them to when it is most important?  I have a been a person that has always (for the most part) gotten along with everyone around me.  I have been happy, funny, smart, and some might say loving.  I have always been able to lift other peoples spirits when they are in need or be a shoulder for others to lean on, maybe even an ear to bend.  I don’t want to brag because over the past few years this has all come crashing down on top of me.  I guess prior to this I knew the words to say to people.

It seems like it happened about ten years ago when I first became ill but I have no doubt it was sooner than that.  I became ill and have not been the same person I once was but mostly with my family.  I love them with all of my heart and will do anything I can to make them happy, successful, and move on to the next stages in their lives.  I am the proud father of three wonderful children (two girls and one boy) and they bring so much joy to me on so many days that it is impossible to count.  They are all extremely smart, caring of others, and pretty much what every parent would wish for out of their child.  My first child was born before my wife and I were married and I guess that is where the story begins.  I believe you need to understand this part to see where we are today.

My wife and I had been seeing each other in a challenging relationship off and on for around a year when we found out she was pregnant with our first child.  There were a number of discussions about the path to take when we found out about the pregnancy.  We stayed together but did not get married until almost a year later after feeling some pressure from the world (and more importantly the jobs) around us.  I often felt like I was never saying the right things for her and it upset both of us leading to many arguments and silent standoffs. We continued to have good times and bad but it came to a point where the bad times were getting to much for me and I began to look at a break from each other.  Somewhat to our surprise child number two came into the picture.

I grew up in a broken household with one parent most of the year and the other parent across the country in the summers.  I did not want this for my children so I stayed and tried to do my best and work on our relationship.  The ups and downs continue and we moved closer to her family where I got a job.  The second child was very young and my words still never seems to come out right to my wife.  I began feeling like I was in a police interrogation almost all of the time, no matter when, where, or what I was doing.  Times got so bad that when one of arguments became so lopsided and she seem to realize it, one of our children woke up and I took her back to bed, when I came back my wife was not in the living room.  I looked all over the house and began to call her name with no response.  In a panic just before I picked up the phone to call someone (anyone) I walked outside where it had been snowing for hours.  There she was curled up in a ball on the floor of the deck on the side of the house.  Why can’t I say or do the right things to make this marriage work, have I become that bad of a person.  The thoughts of divorce come to my mind once again.  I am not sure if there is a God or not but as I prepare to have the discussion about our future I receive a phone call from my wife crying.  She had gone to the doctors that day for a “ladies” check up and they could not perform the procedure because… you got it child number three.

I know what you our thinking, do you not know how this happens, the whole getting pregnant having a baby thing.  YES!  There was literally one chance of this occurring in this time span and it did, to the point where I asked if there was anything I should know.  Don’t hated it just seemed insane at the time.  There I am back to square one, no words to say to make things easier and the relationship still strained.  We can fix this move back to where we came from… “hooray!!!”  Not this didn’t help it was more of a band-aide on a limb that hand been cut off.

Conversations begin and end with me trying to say one thing and the words getting twisted around either by me or her it’s like I am in Kansas and Dorothy and the Wicked Witch are flying by me.  My third child is born and I already know that even though I don’t want too things look bad and then I get sick.

My illness occurs and there is nothing we can do about it for the first several months.  I am in and out of the hospital so much they should name a wing after me and the EMS were at the house so much when we saw them on the road my kids would say “Look Daddy it’s your friends!”  How do I get the words out to my family that I no longer feel like I can take care of or provide for them when I am never sure if I will be at home let alone working.  There were several occasions that my children believed they played a direct role in one of the times I was taken to the hospital and that was not the case; you tell that to a nine year old though.

I have given you this background to reach this point because it is important to where we end this story.  The doctors have given me recommendations about how to better care for myself and some days, weeks, months are better than others.  My middle child is very much like me and this causes us to butt heads a great deal, I love her with all my heart but worry constantly because she is fearless just like me.  She saw my illness and the things that went with it many times as a young child and once she hit her teens the ugly feelings about it have come out.  When she sees me eating cookies or doughnuts she gets mad; often times taking them out of my hands.  I know this bothers her but I am too stubborn to not do what “I” want to do.  I can’t talk to her the way I want to the words don’t come out right.

We argue over things from food to clothes to friends, sometimes even movies or television.  I want her to understand things but don’t express them well enough and I have pushed her so far away that she wants to leave our house.  Her mother and I fight about things all of the time because of, what I deem, as simple misunderstanding to big issues like money.  I am not perfect but my wife is often rude and disrespectful towards me in front of our children.  This could be part of the reason our second child treats me the way she does.  I believe in a more ordered respect towards elders and my wife is more of a whatever person.  This makes it hard when it is time to disciple or set expectations for our children.  Why couldn’t I say this early on in our relationship?

We really don’t have much of a life outside of our kids which bothers me and I can’t explain enough to my wife that it is okay for us to have time together without them.  I worry the words that I say will upset my wife so I either say nothing or begin an entire nighttime disaster of arguments.  If we don’t have at least two or three arguments a week it is a miracle, we can have that many in a day just from a misspoken word or statement.  In my head it makes complete sense and then my mouth says something either completely opposite or it must have lost its train of thought.  It is hard to focus when she says so much to me and then try to respond.  You know why it can’t come out like I want it too… you won’t allow me a chance…

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