It's a terrible feeling when you realize that you've been raised in a way to where you are nothing but a slave. I was taught that being a servant is good and all because God wants us to serve each other. Well after understanding now that I am supposed to be an individual, I'm trying to learn how I can be a servant without being a slave.
My therapist pointed out to me that I seek others approval whenever I say or do anything. I now understand that my home is a monarchy – I have become (or have always been, I should say) my mother's slave. If she points at something, I have to obey. If she wants me to do something, I don't have a choice. If I don't do something or forget to do something she wanted, all hell breaks loose. Even if I'm on the toilet, I have a time limit before she walks in and tells me that I have to do something and that it's absolutely urgent because she is missing a TV show or is waiting for a phone call.
I'm always on 'standby' in the house. I'm constantly worried that she's going to call me from the other side of the house to do something, and when I think she has called me, it's really just my imagination or that I heard a sound from her TV that sounded like her voice. And then of course when she DOES call me, I sometimes don't hear it and then she gets angry with me for not coming. From her viewpoint, whatever I am doing at the time, even if it's homework, is not as important than having to obey Mom's commands.
I'm always, always worried about her and what she wants. I'm constantly having to 'check in' on her to make sure she is comfortable and that she hasn't called me. And when the dogs are bothering her, I have to come in and rescue her from them – take them outside or put them in my room or whatever.
There is rarely any quiet in the house as she always has at least two TVs turned all the way up, often on different channels. Whenever a TV is on, we have to put it on whatever channel she wants it on. If we want to watch something else, we have to go into another room. And often she'll turn the volume up so loud that we can't hear the TV in the other room. She often has the volume so loud that when we walk in to talk to her, we can barely understand each other and then she gets mad because we can't hear what she's saying.
Maybe this is why I am so tired all the time. Maybe it's because the only peace I get throughout the day is when I go to bed.
How can I possibly tell my mother that enough is enough? How can I tell her that she is the reason why I'm so unhappy all the time? How can I tell her that this servitude is driving me insane? I don't mind doing things every now and then but the degree that I have to obey her is terrible.