I've had some lovely messages from my friends on here recently asking where I've gone. The truth is, I haven't gone anywhere. I'm right here where I've always been but my life has taken some strange changes recently and I'm fighting to keep up.
The death of my neighbour seems to have had a much bigger impact on me that anybody could have possibly anticipated but not in a negative way. I won't lie – the week following my discovery of his death was possibly the worst week of my life. All I did was cry and pace up and down, I was hallucinating, wasn't eating, sleeping, coping…
Since his funeral a week after his death my whole approach to life has changed. The shocking reality of seeing a 21 year old man – in fact no, a 21 year YOUNG man, dead, was the biggest slap in he face I could have been given. He's gone. He's not coming back. Everything that he HAS been and everything he COULD have been has stopped – what a terrible, shocking waste of a young life. He made a choice to take his life – but he can't change his mind or decide to give things another shot.
I want to run – run away from the life I've lived for the last ten years which has been about depression and suicide and disordered eating and a million other negativities and now… now I want to LIVE – but not live as in 'exist', I want to live as in 'live'!
Even in our darkest hours we could still probably write down at least one thing we would like – however big or small. We all have dreams and ambitions and plans even if we don't realise them and its only in the last three weeks I realised.
My dreams and ambitions and plans won't just happen. I have to MAKE them happen and now I'm ready and eager and willing to push my life forward and start a whole new chapter.
So, where have I been, you ask? Well, I've been out trying to find myself a life. Short term I wanted a few things – I wanted like some friends, I wanted a garden rathen than just a whole loads of paving with weeds growing between them, I want to go swimming and to feel a tiny bit better about myself.
Long term, I want a career in psychology, I want a house – with a nice back garden please so I can board rabbits, and I'd like a husband (where is he, have you seen him?) Babies! Yes please I want children at some point! I want to be happy. I might not always be happy and life is sure as hell gonna throw as much crap at me as it does to everybody else but its how we get through it that matters.
So what have I been doing? Well, I've been talking to people I know, been spending a bit of time with them. I am usually found in the pub at least once a week – I never really used to enjoy it that much because I felt so alone in there even if I was with people, but I've found people who will come out for a couple of drinks with me and we talk and laugh and for once I feel like I'm doing what other people my age are doing. I've also made a garden. Its all nice pebbles and huge tubs full of flowers and hanging baskets – it looks so much nicer and its given me a focus.
Miffy seems to have finally recovered from her illness. Its been 8 long weeks and having the stress of her illness lifted has made a huge amount of difference to my mood. I've put my energies into making her life a happier one, and have put together a small hamper as a gift for her vet to say thank you for everything he's done for her – for US.
In September I start a university course. I can't wait to climb on that long ladder to take me into the career I've chosen to follow. Psychology has been not only an interest but a passion of mine for years and its time to start the ball rolling. I'm so excited!
Life doesn't suddenly change from 'as bad as it gets' to THIS good so fast, though, does it? What's the catch?
Well, the catch is getting, and staying well – and getting through the times when I'm not and focussing on my dreams and ambitions and using the support there is available. I have a new CPN and she hardly knows me but she's been amazing and has had such a massive positive impact on my life. I feel like she's come in and taken all the bits that were broken and shown me how to start putting some of them back together.
At the moment I've still suffering from episodes of depersonalisation and hallucinations of sorts but I'm coping better and slowly their intensity is easing off. I still have days when I curl up and cry and wonder whether everything is worth such a massive fight. I'm also bogged down with physical health difficulties but I am seeing the right consultants in order to move that in the right direction. I'm spending less time stressing over what I need to do, what I can't do and what I don't have time to do, and refocussed on what I have time to do, and what I don't have time to do can wait because beingnearly 26 and starting to realise what life is about is far more important than earing a few pennies. Sure, I've had to work pretty fast to pay for this garden of mine and there are lots of other things I'd like to earn extra money for but I have the rest of my life to do that.
Forgive me if I don't come back every day, and please don't close the door and forget about me because I'm going to need you as I start my journey. Don't ever forget that I don't have time for you. I am an email away and will always reply.
Even if life seems terrible just now, there is ALWAYS a way it can improve. I don't know what that might be for you – it could be one of a million things but take a moment in your day to think about what YOU'D like. Follow me! I don't know where I'm doing or whre I'm going but we could have fun on the way, couldn't we?