My moods seem to change every minute of every day. I can't control them and I feel myself going deeper and deeper into a craziness that's unescapable. One minute I'm crying and screaming my poor little heart out. The next minute I'm laughing way too hard at something that's not even funny. It seems that evenings are the hardest on me as far as the depressive part goes. I was doing fine while eating dinner with my family, but then I felt everything change. Now I am sitting in my bedroom hoping that I can hold in the tears for another few hours when everyone is in bed and I can cry openly without fear of worrying someone.
My psychiatrist started me on a new medication last week – Tegretol. We started with a dose way too high for me to handle. I was walking literally into walls, falling down, and experiencing double vision. I called him and he immediately had me take it down a notch. Now everything is better, but I have to say that I kind've miss that feeling of being out of control of my body. Is this how drug addicts become drug addicts?
I had a phone conversation with a friend (my supposed best friend) tonight. We haven't spoken for over a month. I've made attempts to reach out and talk to her online (I don't do well on the phone), but she's ignored them all. She has new best friends now who do drugs and drink massive amounts of alcohol with her. No need for a clean-cut friend who doesn't exactly want anything to do with those things.
See? See what I've done? I've managed to make myself cry over something as stupid as a friend. But it's not just a friend. She is one of two people I communicate with "regularly." I don't go out with anyone on a regular basis. I have no real friends. People don't call me because I'm not a fun person. I'm quiet and like to hide away–and with good reason. I'm fucking bipolar people. I can't control my moods. You all think it's so damn easy, but it's NOT!
I'm so sick of people who believe mental illness is something that goes away with a dose of prozac and a pat on the back. I shut myself up in my room so that I don't hurt people. But by doing that, I end up doing the thing I fear most: hurting them. I need friends who understand me! But nobody does. Nobody cares about a bipolar, socially anxious, angry girl who can't control her moods. Nothing is helping. That's what worries me. I almost swallowed my bottle of pills the other night. I don't want to have another night where all I want to do is slit my wrists. *Raises glass* Here's to having new meds work for once.