Today is one of my bad days with my chronic abdominal pain which is shooting towards my arms, back, and legs. It’s driving me crazy and when I get like this I start to have this panic mode because I’m afraid that my body will collapse and I’ll end up in the ER again. When the pain feels like this I feel like a wounded animal waiting to be put out of my misery. I’m trying to hold onto patience in the fact I’ll see my doctor on monday to get it resolved finally but I have doubt that I will get a clear explanation or answer for what my medical condition is. I’m trying to find the positive side with the fact that I finally found a new job and I can quit my current job now since they don’t treat me with respect nor sympathy for my medical condition. Another motivation I tell myself is that I’m almost done with my undergraduate classes and have 7 more classes to complete until I’m able to get my Associates degree. I’m at war with both my mental and physical self. I’m trying not to let what happened in the past get to me since it was such a scary time but man I’m just tired of having medical issues and I really thought I was getting better :/ The worst feeling in the world is not being in control of your body and I’m told to be strong when I’ve been strong for a long time and I guess I’m just allowing myself to be vulnerable for once from holding it in for so long. I want to be able to not panic everytime this pain hits and to quiet my mind without the temptations of wanting to drink or smoke. I wish we could all be able to see each other in person because I prefer face to face interactions but I don’t think I would’ve been able to express my emotions clearly verbally without stuttering or crying. I just hope that this month will finally be the month I can find some answers so I don’t have to feel this way anymore.

2 Comments
  1. aquazium 6 months ago

    That’s really rough. I’ve been there. I’m trying to learn to love myself and not beat myself up so much. Sometimes the only people who love you are yourself and God. And sometimes you don’t even love yourself:) I hope you can get the support you need, a better job where people appreciate and respect you, and that your body will heal.

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