So my old alarm clock broke and I finally went out and bought a new one a few days ago, and I’m astonished at the difference it’s made to my life.  The old clock brought up a dot on the screen to show the time was PM, and then another dot to show the alarm was turned on, and there was this switch to turn off the alarm when it went off in the morning, and then you’d have to switch it back on, after.  I was constantly forgetting ‘cause I was so tired, and so at night before bed for years I’d be there checking like to make sure I’d counted the right number of dots on screen, to be sure the alarm was definitely set for 6AM and not 6PM and that the alarm was actually turned on, etc. and I’d have to press the buttons really hard due to tics, and it was hell.  Anyway, this new clock is in 24-hour time, so I only ever have to worry about whether there’s a dot on the screen at all, to show the alarm is on, and also there’s a button to stop the alarm when you’ve woken up, but it doesn’t turn off the alarm for the following day, so suddenly I don’t have to check or worry about anything – hurrah!  Plus, it’s this nifty pink colour that look so much more inviting in the mornings, and it’s more compact so I have more table space and worry less about knocking things off when I reach out for them in the night, like the stereo remote control or something like that. [br][br] This might actually be the first time I’ve ever actually blogged about OCD on here!  Amazing.  Normally it’s always about feelings, etc. but yeah.  I actually had something I felt like sharing, this time.  [br][br] Okay so it’s 12:34, and yeah I told someone recently that every time I look at the time in the afternoon it’s always 12:34, like for the last at least 6 years I can’t ever remember seeing 12:33, for instance, or even 12:30, it’s always 12:34, which I took note of because it’s such a perfect time, being sequential.  And yeah oh look I just caught it again, so that is really weird. Like, how do I DO that?? [br][br] I cannot stop eating cakes.  I meant to be healthy again starting today and then I found out someone in the office is leaving so she brought in all these cakes and of course I have zero self-control so here I am eating this delicious chocolate-frosted glazed donut that tastes quite a bit like pancakes with maple syrup for some reason and omg I really wanted pancakes all week, and I just know next week I’ll probably be like verging on anorexic.  I can never strike a balance. [br][br] I was reading something about dissociation and eating the other day and remembering this crazy time when I was 16 or so, and I was really really really depressed about something, okay yeah actually it was about feeling like I related all too well to that Britney song ‘Oops, I Did It Again…’, which is such a truly pathetic thing to say you relate to, but yeah like…I couldn’t have said it better – ‘I played with your heart, got lost in the game’ – yeah, I imagine I’m in love with people and then convince myself of it to the point where it feels real, then realise hey wait no I don’t really feel that way, walk away, and feel like a tease, even if it hadn’t been intentional, it’s just…BPD mixed with OCD.  I mean, I know that now, but it makes me hate myself all the same.  Okay, I’m being really vague here but anyway…yeah it was over that, and I just spaced out and then suddenly realised everyone was staring at me, like all my ‘friends’ (whom I never spoke to again after that, like how could I face any of them?  And anyway, I secretly hated them all, and that was being a tease as well, making them think I was their friend…), and then it turned out that apparently in the space of like 10 minutes I had managed to devour one of those Cadbury chocolate bars that are like 10 inches long, 4 inches wide and like half an inch thick, and then also a smaller Cadbury bar, more like 1×4 inches, plus 3 cans of ginger beer.  But I mean, if I think about doing that now, that is disgusting, especially in the space of 10 minutes, that’s so disgusting, but I just like wasn’t there, hadn’t even realised I was doing it.  [br][br] Okay, I’m having one of those ‘okay what am I talking about’ moments now.  I so have no clue what I’m saying here, where I’m going with any of this, like…no there really is no point, I’ll just end it here.

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