Blessings all,

Please understand that this is likely the hardest post for me to write in this blog. Reliving that moment is something that I relive every day, but also something that I have almost completely blocked out. It is with me every moment of every day, and yet something that i only ever think about for a split second, and then i force to disappear. I ccompletely banish that thought almost instantly, and not think about it, or dwell on it even for a second.but i cant stop the thought from popping up all the mother fucking time – "Hey, you have AIDS!!!"- It pops up when i meet someone i find attractive. it pops up whenever i see families or kids. it pops up whenever im with my family. it pops up all the mother fucking time…….reminding me of how different my life, and my life plan is now.

8th February 2010……the day my whole life changed- Exactly one year ago today.

I was at the hospital with my Father having tests done to see if I would be suitable to donate an organ to him. We had been to the hospital several weeks prior to have the initial blood tests, and were returning to get the results….expecting all to be fine! We had been talking about me donating and organ to save my fathers life. A huge gift to give someone, and a serious commitment to make. NEver the less, a commitment i was happily willing to make becuase of my love for my father. I REALLY wanted to do this. As a Christian I believe that one of the most important commandments it to honour your parents. I felt that this was a blessing from God that I had the oportunity to do this for my father.

So we are at the hospital bright and early to get the initial blood work. the doctor approaches and asks if I could come into his office, but that my father remain in the waiting area. He calmly explained that as they were my test results, he must give me the results personally, and then if I wanted to share them with my Dad i could. I didnt think anything of it, and followed him into the office. you must understand that at this point HIV was the LAST thing on my mind.

I sat down and he got straight to the point!

"We have had your results back and I'm afraid there's really no easy way to say this…..the test for the HIV antibody came back positive……..

the first few minutes were blank. i clearly remember not thinking anything at all. my mind was blank. the first thing i remember thinking is "this is it, EVERYTHING changes".

I didn't feel much initially. the best i can describe the first few minutes is "practical thinking and strategising"! I just realised that everything was about to change, but I also had my Dad sat outside waiting anxiously. this transplant would have saved his life, so needless to say he was anxious and expectant.

I didnt feel angry (initially)…..I suppose my second thought was " no one can ever know about this". I knew instantly that I couldnt tell ANYONE. I just couldnt face it.

the next thing i remember is the doctor telling me that i needed to go into another room to have more blood taken so they could verify the result, but also to get a more accurate reading on things. I told him i couldnt becuase i didnt want my dad to realise that something was wrong. i just wanted to get out of there.

I remember walking outside and having to tell Dad how sorry I was that i couldnt donate to him, but that they had found that i wasnt compatible. He shed a couple of tears of disappointment and gave me a hug, not knowing that I was now carrying the biggest burden, secret, and the most pain I've ever had in my life. we drove home in almost complete silence. he was upset that he couldnt get the life saving organ from me, and i was silently trying to digest the fact that not only could i not do this for my father, but that I had HIV and was going to die (forgive my naive thoughts- this was all very new to me). My actions has caused me to be unable to save my dads life, and now i must live with that, on top of facing my new reality as HIV positive.

There arent word to describe how i felt. Although i can admit that suicide crossed my mind several times. i didnt see how i could live with this. and here i am a year later. living with this. in every sense of the word. everyday I pay the price for my actions, and everyday i am reminded of how my actions have affected my life. and the only way i know how to deal with it is to block it out becuase the pain of it is just too intense. sometimes i feel that i must punish myself and make myself dwell on it, but for the most part i block it out. Being the year anniversary is no different to any other day, except that today i cant get away from dwelling on it.

i have destroyed so many aspects of my life, and i must live with that. i dont see a future for myself, i will just carry on day to day….but today the future still seems very dark and lonely, and unhappy.

Fuck you Anniversary!