i'm mad. i read my blogs and i sound pathetic. i sound like i just complain and complain and write about stupid shit that doesnt really mean anything. it all feels so pointless. i'm tired of the effort that is required just to keep my head above water. i swear i dont just complain for no reason. to get sympathy from people. i seem helpless and pitiful. because when i read my blogs it's almost like..i didn't write them.its like i know how ridiculous i am and how absurd i sound at times. but its exactly what im feeling. i feel so inadequate. what i think in my head i can't help. and its more frustrating then ever. i woke up this morning with an eager desire to kill myself.i'm prepared.my mind feels so blank and i can't find fuckin any motivation to even move out of bed. when i think of the day i have a ahead of me i get this overwhemling sense that there is just no way i can make it through today.i try to come up with a reason or something to look forward to,to help, but my mind just stays blank and i feel empty and there's just no point in me doing anything.i'm tired of everything feeling so pointless.if i could snap out of it and carry on i would but i try and my head doesn't let me. the money i was going to use for the doctor i don't have anymore so im going to have to wait again till my next pay check to set up in appointment and that in its self is hard to bare the thought of because i was so close. i dont even care anymore..i really don't. maybe im just having a bad day. but it feels more like i really just cant do it anymore..i always say that but this extreme overflow of feeling NOTHING, nothing for anything. too see the end of everything and feel that it still will be pointless. its like nothing will ever be okay. like theres no end to feeling like every fucking thing i do and everything i will do is POINTLESS. i hate it.i can't go another day with this staggering anxious really really bothering feeling of having no meaning.that and in everything i do. its so hard its so hard..just the thought of getting up and trying to get myself going exhausts me.and now i'm having a panic attack,,wonderful. god, i can't do this. i can't anymore. im tired of shit always being wrong with me.so sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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