I sit here with laptop in place my fingers resting softly on the keys, the sounds of muffled noise coming from the downstairs telly. My mind is a blur of thoughts and emotions in which I want to type document but when I go to type anything it all suddenly goes quiet and blank, like a telly when it switches to stand by. 

I had nearly done it, I could see the finishing line as it turned late evening… but no I just couldn’t have just one day without having a drama or one of my many episodes. I surfer with bad paranoia and it doesn’t help when your boyfriend is in a misery all day and then starts acting shifty! The many voices take no time to take action with whizzing horrid things around in my head, stirring the large pot of betrayal followed by a sprinkling or lying and a dash of secret keeping. 

I tried my best to keep it together and smile at him while the pot inside my head began to overflow. Then suddenly I opened my mouth and it all came out.. oh Fuck!

“Every time I look at you, your always on that phone”  … “Why don’t you want to spend time with me?” … “Who the fuck are you talking to?” … “Go on then go behind my back again and while you there can you give my other knife handles a polish!”

A whole explosion of sentences came to the surface until I saw red and just flipped out, but he won’t understand what going on inside. My mask is cracked and my armour has been tore off, I lie in bed alone wandering to myself is it worth going on?

Is he better off without me?

I can’t battle on much more if he wont try to understand!