I’m in the strangest mood, right now. Good, but fragile… It’s been an okay weekend, all and all. I am still not getting everything done that I want to get done, but whatever, I am not a [email protected] superhero. I have been walking as much as I can, everyday. And, that’s a really good thing, because my diet is not yet as I would have it. I know, I know, some of you probably think that worrying about my weight right now is just nutty (and you’re likely right), but it’s not like I am doing unhealthy because of it – walking and trying to eat better are good things. I want to be mainly vegan, again. My body always felt so properly fueled (like a more efficient machine) when I was vegan. Just becoming vegetarian in my teens made me feel that way. (Meat sits inside you for so long, getting funkier and funkier in your intestines, aging and damaging that tissue at a much faster rate, and our bodies weren’t really designed to process it – nevermind how disgusting the factory farming process is, but I’ll stop, because I am generally not one to preach or try to convert others. All the same, I do love animals, and I think we’d be better off not eating them. Not looking to debate the subject or anything – just shooting my mouth off, figuratively speaking. I really usually leave the subject alone, as most of my friends are meat eaters.)
Anyway, things with Charlie are basically okay. Confusing as ever… we get along great. He even seems to be making an effort, these past few days, to be engaging and to have fun with me. I don’t know if he sensed me giving up, and is trying to pull me back in, because he isn’t sure he wants to quit, yet, or what, but he still isn’t putting forth anything solid, like, "I want to try to save this thing," or, "I’ve thought about trying to put it back together," or even, "I feel like there’s some chance for us." NOTHING… so, what do I do? I don’t know what to do, except what I have been doing – not to sound like a [email protected] bitch, but I’m sort of looking out for me, right now. I’m doing whatever the hell I have to do to stay off smack, and hold on to some semblance of sanity and happiness. I know I willfully put the complications out of my head, a lot, but I feel like it’s too soon for me to think about doing anything differently (in any direction) – this has been working for me. I am not using smack at all (as opposed to every day), I have been slowly taking steps to put my life together (going to a shrink, slowly cleaning up apt, ect.), but it still feel every fragile.
Not long ago, I was sitting here, with my hands over my ears, wanting to scream when my dealer would call, and now I am turning down fat freebies and sh*t. I know Ace is a big part of that, as are the rest of you who have supported me through this crazy (occasionally horrendous) journey. I really am so grateful to all of you. Especially to Ace…
And, how do you thank someone for giving you your life back? And, honestly, I think he’s way more badass than someone who does something heroic once – like pulling a drowning person out of the river. That’s cool as hell, but a lot of people could and would do it. Not too many people could’ve or would’ve put themselves out there to help a strung out girl they’d just met. Someone who was killing herself slowly (and getting ready to do it quickly) 800 mi away. A lot of people would have felt no sympathy for me and my self-made problems. I remember a woman in the chatroom here who was very open-minded and sympathetic until she found out what drug I was addicted to. That word has an effect on people. As soon as the word HEROIN was out there, it was like all sympathy had evaporated. She got really cold and hard with me after that, like everything was my fault, which it is, in a sense, but when someone eats their way into diabetes or a heart condition, people aren’t usually all sh*tty with them, projecting an attitude like, hey asshole, you did this to yourself, and I really fail to see the difference. Everyone makes mistakes – not everyone has to pay for those mistakes a million times over. It’s just not constructive or useful to get pissy – people who’s mistakes led to their lives being ruled by addiction, or any other disease, beat themselves up, enough – they don’t need any help. And, some have disorders that compel them to do drugs – either through a direct compulsion to act, or a desperation to self-medicate. Some people see the emotional shut-off of opiates as an alternative to suicide. It’s like in NA, when someone would use, and other people would get mad. I’d be like, WTF?! How dare you get angry with that struggling person?! They’re doing their freaking best and need encouragement and love, and to be told it’s not too late to start again – not to have someone get bitchy with them. I have no patience for people who express anger over other people’s struggles – it’s like making their pain your pain, and then blaming them for suffering. (Now, if someone is directly screwing you over, thats different – borrowing money they don’t repay, stealing, creating a tissue of lies. There are things an addict can do that warrant anger, but struggling, and using – that’s not one of them.) I can see sadness, frustration, or even disappointment.
Okay, I was just talking to someone I care about, and I felt slighted. I know it wasn’t intended, but I was really knocked out of my good mood by it. I feel fucking small and damaged, right now. Some people just don’t understand my vulnerabilities when I try to explain them – maybe, that’s my fault. It’s probably my fault I feel this way. That would make more sense. I guess, that’s enough for now. I need to make coffee.