i really don’t mean to keep writing about the same subject matter…i just tend to write whatever comes to mind/heart, while my fingers are typing. 

With that being said, 2017 has been one hellacious year!!  *sigh  i am soooooooooooooo tired of this life, most days/nights.  My body just refuses to cooperate–yes, i know, i have to get to a doc to actually figure out what the ‘issue’ is–and my mind continues its never-ending spiral.  

The …ahem…’people’ who turned their backs on me and decided to sway their loyalty to the other ‘side,’ have continued taking steps in that direction.  My ex-husband is still trying to mess with me and my heart by posting pics with some of Shelby’s friends, while he holds the urn that contains her ashes, (that his mother has painted, as well) posing on the football field.  It’s like a cycle that keeps repeating:  disappointment, harassment, smile, repeat–from their end. 

On mine, i’m simply trying to figure out if this so-called ‘life’ is even worth the trouble of sticking around.  The cowardice and laziness from my grandson’s father is really annoying, to say the least.  i am to the point of really wanting–yearning, in fact–to just show up at his door and wait til my grandson’s there so i can meet and visit with him for a while.  At this point, i keep feeling like if i don’t show up and show him i’m serious, he’ll continue to play games and will never keep his word.  –Big surprise–NOT! 

My son, on the other hand, i can’t blame for not answering me, as of yet.  i know he’s in the service, now, and it’s not like i know exactly where he is, for now.  Plus, i have called him, as well as texted, so he knows i’m here.  Now, it’s his turn to either want to reconnect, or completely give up on me.  i truly hope it’s not the latter…. 

i have been in contact with my brother and his wife, in Texas, since the move.  It is nice to know someone still cares….that i’m related to, anyway.   

Since my sister’s husband’s death, last year, she’s reconnected with her…first love?  boyfriend?  i dunno what you’d call him…  (i do know what i call him….and, it ain’t nice….just sayin.)  But, she’s gotta live her life and make her own decisions.  My other brother, who lives a couple blocks from our sister, i’ve not been in contact with now for….five years+.   Nope, no reason to reconnect with him, either, at this point.  They have made their decision to turn their backs, so they can keep looking at me from behind (to put it nicely).   

i really can’t see the forest for the trees, yet.  i know i have things i need to get done and people i need to see, etc.  i just keep feeling like i’ll either never get it all done, or time’ll run out, or i’ll just give up on it all.  i know, i know….Somehow, someway, i’ll have to find the energy and OOMPH to push forward and get at least the majority of this all finished.  It just seems so….out-of-reach for me, at this point in time—all of it:  from my own body’s cooperation and getting it under control; to visiting with my grandson without my ex or his parents’ butting in; to having any sort of healthy–happy?–life.  *sigh  The quest continues, for now.

i really do hope you’re all hangin in there, as best you can, and these final days of 2017 have NOT been so hard to muster.  2018 has got to get better!!!!!!!!!!  May you all find some inner peace and strength to get you through the rough patches!  YOU are NOT alone!!!!!  ***Hugs***