october, the dreaded month….i\’m really, really, really sad today. every october, i go on a kind of pilgrimage around the local cemeteries. i\’m trying to find jamie\’s grave.

its been seven years this month since my eldest brother died. he broke off his engagement to his girlfriend, and she tampered with his car.it was his 24th birthday. it changed everything for me: i don\’t drive, i won\’t even get in a car. my fear of death overwhelms me. if i\’m expecting someone and they don\’t show and don\’t call, i\’m hysterical. i get the same awful feeling in my soul, from the night jamie didn\’t come home…between the ages of 17 and 21, i was bald. it might seem odd if you haven\’t been through it, but we look so alike that i just wanted to see him again. i drank ever day.complete nervous breakdown, i think they call it.

it didn\’t help being the only one in town. no 16 year old should ever have to ID a body…i think thats one of the reasons his mum cut me out. we got on so well, until we lost him. i got the impression she felt bad for not being there when it happened, and i remind her of that. its what her husband says, anyhow.

they never told me where he was buried. i wasn\’t invited to the funeral. i\’m not sure, but i think its to do with how jamie was conceived. i\’m used to that kind of treatment – its like they see my dads crimes all over me, like a stain. i know he\’s a monster (for those of you who don\’t know, my biological father is very dangerous to women…) but its not my fault. i don\’t mean to look like him. i just want to be able to grieve, and without a grave i don\’t know how to do that. so i\’ll return to our special place at the end of the month, and i\’ll tell him everything, like i always do….

there\’s guilt, too. what if i hadn\’t invited him over? would he still be alive? i feel guilty, too, that sometimes i almost feel angry with him for leaving me behind. i know its not his fault, but it just feels like he\’s in a better place, and i didn\’t get to go….i will always love jamie. i miss him every day.

hopefully, he knows that.