So why am I here? Not in a metaphysical sense… why have I signed up for this website? don’t know really.
I quit smoking last year on 9th July. It was difficult, but I stuck with it. One thing about it I enjoyed was the excuse to be cranky and let fly at people who were irritating me. That bit me back in the end, within a month or two all the barriers I’d put in place against showing or even acknowledging emotion came down and I’d gone from being apparently ok if a little stressed to being moderately depressed.
I was off work for four and a half months. Citalopram and CBT got me back to something resembling normality. I’d been back at work part time for four weeks, had just gone back to full time working and was feeling slightly fragile yet positive and energetic and confident. Then I was told I was likely to be made redundant. I fought to keep my job but failed, and have been unemployed since the beginning of May.
Just had yet another rejection. I haven’t even got as far as getting an interview yet. I was lucky enough to get enough money to keep me going for 6 months, that’ll run out soon… I’m falling rapidly back into depression, struggling and fighting not to but I can feel it creeping back up on me.
I have two boys, 13 and 16. Both need me – their dad is next to useless and their stepmother is worse than useless. If not for them I think I wouldn’t be here today – I’d have taken the "easy" way out last year. I can’t afford to get miserable again, I have to get a job, I have to be strong for the kids.
I need some friends, I need some support. My family are lovely but no good whatsoever at this sort of thing. I have two good friends, one of whom is very busy at work and doesn’t have time or energy, the other is dying of cancer and depends heavily on me for support…
I can’t do this, I can’t keep going. I can’t.