Ive been sitting here all night wondering, thinking about my life and what is to become of me

 what kind of person do i aspire to be ? what kind of life do i want for myself? and as i think all these things about my life and the future i cant help to think back to a few years ago when i was a strung out junkie, selling drugs to fund my habit and living life depending on how many bags i had in my pocket.

 

The Past

 

I used to wake up each morning and feel sick to the pit of my stomach,drenched in sweat, head throbbing, bones aching and my muscles spasiming all over my body until i reached down and grabbed my little bag and my sheet of tinfoil. From the first smoke i could feel the sweat drying up and my chest collapsing in relif that the pain would finally be over…..for the moment.When all the gear would sieze up on the sheet and i couldnt get any more smoke i would lie back on my bed, relieved to no longer be in pain while trying to figure out how much of my gear i could smoke before i would have to go out and sell to get more. the day and night would go by in a daze as i paced through the busy streets of Dublin city, with my deals in my mouth, eyeing up every passer by untill i saw my own kind and asked them  'are u lookin'?

Once  my deals were gone,and i had enough cash,i would go to which ever of my dealers i didnt owe money to and buy whatever i could afford, to get me through the night and to sell tomorrow before i had to do it all over again. Armed with tomorrows supply i would finally head for home. Once i got in the door i would be straight up to my room for a smoke and then to bag up my deals for the next day. Once that was done i would have another fix,a shower, watch some tv,another fix then finally at about 12 that night i would have some food, back up to my room another fix and then i would just goof off, and drift into unconsciousness for the night, and only wake when my body was screaming for more drugs and for years this is how i lived from day to day.

Throughout all this time i think most of the thoughts that went through my head were to do with drugs or money, as were most of the conversations i had with other people..and myself!! i didnt have a future in my life then, all i had was a past and the thoughts of where my next fix was coming from i.e-the only future i cared about.

Instead of thinking about boys,my friends,shopping,going out,my head was consumed with thoughts of ways to scheme money,what shops i could steal good things to sell,what dealer i could ring to score and when would i get my next fix.

Once i entered that life,i didnt see a way out it was a if that was just the way things were going to be now and there wasnt much i could do about it so it was absloutley fine with me.

 

 The future

 

Every day i wake up and im not in pain,im not worried and stressed to the point i feel like screaming.. I wake up as a recovering addict trying to be a better person and make a good life for myself.

Some days i get frustrated with my problems and all the changes i have had to make to my life. Some days i feel depressed for no paticular reason at all. Some days i feel like giving in and going back to my old way of life but through all this im still grateful that i got the chance to change my life and give myself a real chance at happiness.

 

If there is one thing iv learned its that i just dont know whats going to happen tomorrow so i have to live one day at a time and if i stumble and fall its ok because i am only human and i know i can pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on going. The amazing thing about making the decision to stay off drugs for good is the changes that happen every day to your mind, body and soul. You start to look a little bit better every day,you slowly start to be less angry and more happy.You start to really get to know your self and what you like and dislike,what you really want out of life and what you dont want and you start to believe that the things i have always dreamed of might actually come true.

 

And now,For the first time in a long time,i can see the person i really am and im starting to like her

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