You know everyone who is having a good day is having a good day because they really woke up like that? I know when something is influencing how I feel. It’s kind of hard to explain. For the past 3 weeks Ive been working out, eating better, drinking more water. Not sure why or where I decided this. I just did one moment. I’m trying to cut out all the things that are draining my energy its has been a big struggle for self control when it comes to multiple things popping up.

I recently cut a guy out, tried to stop drinking, and smoking. all have been going good except smoking. My workouts are suppose to make me want to breath better so i’m sure it will kick in eventually. I have been very sad lately. Most of the time I try to focus on my big goal make as much money till April. My aim is to be back in school by Aug. I decided to change my major. Thinking big for myself if you will. I know love is important and all but I want to value myself and prove to myself that I can apply myself to make an effort in the direction I want my life to go. I want to stop being afraid. afraid of failing. Not having the belief in myself. I know I can I just can’t with two people. Meaning I can’t be in a relationship. I can’t take care of two people right now. Emotionally I can’t support someone else, I hate the thought of sharing money with someone and their bills on top of everything, they’re insecurities, their self doubt, their need for attention. I want those things but I don’t know if I can give myself like that again to someone.

The exhausting feeling I felt with my ex, the silent painful cries alone in shower, the numbness im my whole body when he would belittle me, and treat me like I wasn’t there for him through it all. I was loyal. I looked at him and believed in him for the both of us then i slowly forgot about myself, my idea’s, my dreams, my plans. I chose me.

How I lied about being so in love for all the wrong reasons. I sometimes wonder how he is doing. I heard he had surgery. He had a heart condition I told him time after time to take care of it. He refused. I heard his mother has been taking care of him. Thats very like him to ask her. I know he had this relationship with his mother, to describe it I would say you can tell she never paid much attention to him. She never was happy for him. She would say she loved him and would say good job, or try harder. He was constantly trying to involve her in our problems. He said for advise and that we should seek help from experienced people. His mother and father we married i think over 30 years. He thought of his mother as a strong woman, I suppose she is since she can deal with all of the dumb shit her sons have done in their relationships. How annoying just thinking about it all.

Now i am not saying I’m the purest or nicest person on the planet. But boy did I experience some serious trauma just spending those 5 years with their family knowing them the way I knew them. The jealousy among the brothers, the lack of self control, the deep urge to please their parents, to have more money than each other, who had the prettiest girl, who talked to their mom or dad more. I was always intimidated by all of them in one room. One small wrong word to each other they would just start up. I’m just getting stressed reliving it in my head. So when I finally realized nothing could get worst then where I am right now I had the courage to leave. I knew I broke his heart but that was the smartest thing I had ever done for myself.

I miss him, the old him or the fake him he showed me, the man who had self control, a vision of us together in success, the way he use to hold me and make me feel so protected, so secure. But thats all gone and I’m learning who to do those things for myself. be that for myself. Become stronger. Become more aware of how I can take care of myself. i’m craving a cigarette right now.