I start with why I'm here. I didn't know where else I could write comfortably. I could write in many journals, but I need input or need to know other eyes and minds will see what I write.

I am drifting around the urge to cry. I'm not upset about anything. The warm weather has brought that 'what life is really all about' feeling with it. I could go outside and enjoy the weather. I could feel confident going for a walk. I could play outside for a little bit with my little brother and just live. I'm not trying to relive my childhood which could be so miserable at times. But it had its good adventures. I may have gone most of those alone, but I could be comforable alone and find things to do. Even locked up in my room.

When ever I'm invited to go somewhere with my family I just figure I'll be bored (I am right most of the time) and just want to go home. I went to the Memorial Day parade in my city and I sat on the curb for a good 45 min with my brother and sister (much younger) on either side of me. I complained about how they kept letting the cars down the street and just wanted the parade to start. I wanted to experience the parade and find something to enjoy. I've never enjoyed parades, always thought they were a boring and pointless. I guess I grew up and I clapped along with my grandma's scottish friends for the veterans. I took pictures. It was short, but I had fun. We walked down to the park to get free hotdogs, but it was so crowded my sister and I just started complaing to just go home and eat. So we did. We had to walk up a long hill that we walked down. The parade was over, no crowds of people walking with us.

What is a waste of time? Just sleeping the morning away? Finding something to complain about? Worrying about being overweight in the heat? Thinking the cold is a way for me to shield my insecurities. I hide behind everything, but at the same time I don't. I am me either way. So there are a couple roadblocks to get to know me. But I'm worth it. Everyone is. Pretending that I'm happy when I'm not, or pretending I never complain when I do is ridiculous. I'm not here on this earth to please anyone else just I can keep up this charade of commercial suburbia.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not the one who's always hiding. I'm here. I'm open, but you find most people aren't worth the time because they don't take the time to stop and acknowledge you.

I overeat, I binge eat, I make myself sick so I don't have to think about all the things I hate about myself or this world. I've done this since I was 12 years old. It's the sugar rush I get from eating. This high I don't want to let go of.

I have anxiety, so what. It was a handicap growing up, but not anymore. Not when I don't let it control me. If I go after whats really important, it makes the hurdles much easier to climb over.

Depression is very real and not normal. I can feel myself being dragged back down into that large black whole almost everyday. So if something doesn't make me feel I good I want it out of my mind. But it doesn't work like that.

I count, I just wish I would stop trying to prove that to myself.

 

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