I smoke too much.

This mock meeting place is my only real outlet at the moment.

Charlie is fairly useless.  I never know what’s going on between us.  He was being nicer, then, the past couple of days, he’s been a tool.  When he isn’t alseep, he has a bad attitude.  He yelled at me the other day for getting upset, over the fact that my wallet was missing.  Hes promised not to get shitty with me for getting upset (I dont often have panic attacks, but it happens every once in a great while – I wasn’t having one at the time).  I was saying things like, "I am starting to get upset," in a totally calm voice.  He starts yelling at me to calm down, and that I am not helping anything.  I AM NOT HELPING ANYTHING?  How about yelling at the person who’s upset?  What the f@ck does that accomplish.  He claims he doesn’t read these.  I never know when he’s holding back (I have a healthy respect for his ability to lie at this point).  If he does read this, in spite of his claims to the contrary:  f@ck you, Charlie.  He had that coming.

My intestines are cramping.  Mornings suck.  I just want to crawl under a rock. 

I hope my friend is better.  I’ve been worried.

Charlie has left me adrift for so long. I’ve had to learn to get along this way.  I’ve had to manage without any assurances on his part.  And, now, I’ve gotten pretty good at it, and I don’t know what I want.  I don’t know what should happen.  I told someone yesterday that I want to work it out with Charlie.  I don’t really know if that’s true.  (I’m certainly not on the look out for any new complications – we’re all stocked up here)  I certainly don’t feel "free," which technically, I should be, by now, since he said it was over, months ago, and hasn’t rescinded that statement one bit, no matter how much time we’ve spent together (hasn’t repeated it either).  I don’t really know where he’s at.  He communicates nothing.  He ususually knows more than he lets on.  So, he might know that I am confused, and that I am not certain where I belong.