I feel so sick today, sick to my stomach. I\’m seeing dark shadows on everything, and my mind is going blank at an alarming rate. I\’m forcing myself to write this blog post, I am convinced that doing something creative will snap me out of it. I haven\’t cast any spells for a few days, I haven\’t had the energy to. You need energy to put out into the universe for a spell, and if you don\’t have the energy, either the spell won\’t work at all, or you\’ll be totally sapped by the end of it. So I\’ve chosen to rest and pray. I\’m still praying to Jesus, even though I can\’t find/sense Him. I also have been praying to Mother Gaia to make Her world beautiful to me again. I\’m glad today is going by so quickly, I hate it when the workdays drag on. It was nice and overcast when we woke up; it\’s too bad it all burned off by 10:30. That\’s how it usually goes, though. I had a dream last night that I was a Muslim. You wouldn\’t believe it, but last year I was a Muslim for four months, starting with Ramadan. It\’s a secret, I didn\’t tell my husband about it. I used COVID as my excuse for wearing a scarf on my head. I even bought a light cotton hijab, which I now use as just a regular scarf. It\’s really pretty.
I am hiding out on my bed, for some reason I can\’t bear to be in the living room for very long. There is less contrast back here in the bedroom, I don\’t have to see as many dark shadows, because everything in here is dark. I made quinoa, I forced myself to make it. I don\’t want to get back up though, and I still have to cook the rest of the meal. I was just going to do veggies and baked tofu in mushroom stir-fry sauce. I guess I will go force myself to do it right now.
Ok. I’ve just eaten dinner. The quinoa didn’t turn out very well, I’m not sure what I did wrong. I made it just like I always do. My Thrive Market box came in. I was excited to try out my new nail polish, it’s a sort of grayish lavender color, totally eco-friendly. I also bought some soups, oat milk (I didn’t realize I’d ordered two of them), and a few other things, I’m drawing a blank. My husband came home from the doctor’s appointment, he has three new medications to take. I won’t gross you out with the details of what it is for. I went out to water the plants just a bit ago, it was nice to be outside and barefoot.
There really isn’t a point to this post, I’m just rambling about my day. I’m still hiding out on the bed, I still don’t like being in the living room. I can’t explain it, I just don’t like being in there. The world looks so terrible to my eyes, that it’s easier to hide in my dark bedroom so I don’t have to see how bad it all looks. That’s why I like going out at night, instead of the daytime. How I wish everything would just go back to normal! I’m going nuts here with how terrible it all is. Aside from doing laundry and other basic chores, I spent the day in the fetal position, trying desperately to be ok. I’m just not ok anymore.