When the day settles. Sometimes it’s hard to realize I am doing this all alone. I mean I have others that are helping me. But quit literally I alway thought I’d have the husband, a house, send my kids to school, have this beautiful life with my children and a husband. Go through the years and that would be life. It was the dream for me. The dream was not to be treated like hell, live in hell, escape hell, and rebuild a life. But that is where I am at. Alone at night. Frankly, it sucks. I take care of three kids all the time and I take care of my friends. And I try to take care of all that I can. But sometimes I am just sick of being strong. Sometimes I wish that someone would just take care of me. Not by literally taking care of me. But sometimes I wish I just had someone to hold me at night, to not end every day with screaming and yelling like I used to but instead end the day with just a simple hug, we survived the day, and a hold on me that just says “I’m here for you”. I mean to me that. That is the dream of a relationship moving forward. I don’t want marriage moving forward. I just. I can’t. Because I can’t allow someone to have ownership over me every again. It’s to restraining and it takes the whole sense of self and just crumples it up. I am not for that at all. I am for standing by one another and supporting each other and saying we’ll get through life together. A team. I just miss being part of a team. Today. Today I went to my daughters school play date get together. I got asked the standard questions and I was able to answer them a bit in a vague but honest way. But there were the few that did assume I was married. And then. Then there were the dads and moms together. And I should have just been ok. But it broke my heart seeing a happy couple together with their kids. It is something that gets me every time lately. It bugs me to the core. Because it makes me want to go curl up and cry. Why couldn’t I have that? Why couldn’t I just have had that life. I tried so damn hard. I gave everything. But every time. Every time I was thrown against a wall. Be little. Even to the point of shaking on the floor with screaming and spitting and breaking of the house around me. Or the dragging me from the beach to home. I just. It shakes me to my core, realizing how hard I tried and seeing the pieces shattered around me. The five years I spent. The memories just thrown in my face like I am a failure. They say everything happens for a reason. But lately I am not sure. I think we make choices. Others make choices. Things do not just happen because they happen. If you want something to happen you have to actively step up and make a choice. Other people make choices. We are like one big web. We are not left to fate or the universes moves. We have our own self choices and actions. Sure, the universe can help us if we speak out, but actions are the only way to move forward. That’s just where my head is at tonight. Trying to work out the webs of thoughts spinning around. Trying to accept my thoughts and feeling and emotions and this process of the stage of life I am in right now. Hoping. And wishing. Hoping and wishing to move forward one step at a time and come out the other end at least half way ok.

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