I don't know. I'm relieved and scared and confused and frustrated and guilty and regretting and other things I can't even put a word to.
Thing is, I need to break it off with boyfriend. My feelings are just not where they're supposed to be, not even on a good day. I just don't love him anymore. He feels more like a burden, a problem, something I try to aviod, than the joy he deserves to be and needs to be and used to be. I know it's been like this for a long time, but I don't feel I can take living in this situation any longer. I've tried so hard, tried making myself fall back in love with him, or even love him like a boyfriend, like a lover… But I can't, no matter how hard I try. I can pretend, decieve myself (and him) for a few hours at a time, but I know it's not true, it can't last, it will blow off by morning.
Of course I care about him, love him in a way, and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings, make him distressed and sad and unvcomfortable and insecure – but I can't justify myself laying down my entire existance for him to be happy either.He hasn't done anything wrong, wish he had, it would make this so much easier.
Only thing he did was love me, cope with my ups and downs, me pushing him away and clinging to him, try to understand and respect my moodswings, my physical disabilities and my tears. He's been with me through surgery, ending up scrubbing blood off my floors after accident, he's been yelled at by my family, taken me away on trips, always trying to support and understand.
Of course I ask myself why I can't just love him? I must be insane not to! But, as I've said, I've tried and tried, manipulating myself, coaxing myself into believing, if only for a moment, that he was right for me.
Of course it would be easier to just play along, continue trying to make everything ok, but this is not a whim, a sudden decition. I've felt like this for over a year (we've been together over three), kept trying to make things better, but to no avail. And, since I know I've done my best, how come this hurts me so? How come I feel guilty about something I cannot control? This is eating away at my mind, my heart, my soul… I've been dreading this, but I know that if I keep up this act I'll only feel worse, hurt him more.
There are no words to explain how I feel, just greif, guilt, regret…. An awful mix of feeling, resulting in me wanting to just disappear from the surface of the earth, be gone, not having to feel like this any longer. I know this will pass, but for now I have to live through it, be strong, stand by my decition and try to seek comfort where comfort can be found, if it can.
I will be ok, I will come out stronger on the other side. I know, and I will.
Until then, I'll cry myself to sleep.