I felt rejected for half of the day and quite restless for the other half. I think my mother prioritizes other things most of the time, I’m not upset about that, it’s just the selfishist part of me wishes her career and social life wouldn’t be so volatile.

I feel lost, I feel unable to create without the thought of recognition. I’m glad i’m starting to document these thoughts and do hope I continue. this website will be good for me. I’m scared people don’t like me, I find it hard to emotional connect with people and even harder to believe they can connect with me, my fear of rejection manifests itself in many ways now.

I want more friends, I do solemnly believe I am an extravert (or at least an entertainer) but as soon as I see people less as “faces in a crowd” and more like peers, I automatically grow tired of engaging with them. I don’t mean too, I certainly don’t want people to think I don’t like them just because I reject them on occasion, perhaps my low tolerance for people’s acquaintance is due to my own fears that’ll disappoint them or not like them at all. Then again, maybe I do just get bored.

I find it hard to care about things or people anymore, not that I don’t try. I just can’t seem to muster the energy. I use to be able too, but that makes all my previously cares seem less genuine and shallow i’d say. I don’t feel like writing anymore.