That can put a lot of pressure on a person. Also to select a mood. I'm just anxious. And its for a couple reasons, mainly because of my medication. I've only taken half for the last two days because I don't want to run out. I have to call to get a new prescription. My psych. is sick so I have to call some lady's they mailed me. Not a big deal. Because as with most therapists/ psychiatrists, they never pick up their phones so I can just leave a message.

The other reason I'm anxious is just because I'm anxious. When I'm on the medication I notice a difference. I've been on medication for what like 5 years now. For the past 2 years I've been on zoloft 200mg, though its actually up to 250mg when I need it. Plus seroquel which I take to sleep. I think thats like 50mg. People say (random people, even my dentist) says its not good to rely on medication. And then there are the people who say social anxiety disorder is a made up disorder. But thats just bullshit. Things only got better after the medication, after years of therapy and I'm still a long ways off. I work at it everyday.

Depression is real. And I just love how everyone thinks that something that's easily taken care of. Too many people have no idea what it is to be heavily clinically depressed. To not be able to find any reason to live. To feel a numbed pain. That to watch others live their lives can make you want to end yours all that much quicker. Because you dont' even feel human.

I can't cut myself a break because I've given myself too many. Or maybe I've tried too hard to accomplish things. But I want to get ahead. I want to do things and not just sit at home thinking. I took on two classes for paralegal course and continuing to work. I have work I need to be doing. What's the reason I haven't done it? Because I don't feel like I should have to do it. How stupid is that? It's my choice to go to school. I paid for it. I already finished my BA degree, but I decide to go in for more. Because I think I am capable of so much more. Which I am.

But alas, I have my many stubborn moments. I don't feel like I have a life. And even when I have nothing to do, I long for school and work. I have a very limited social life. Nothing comes easy in life. It takes a lot of effort to see thep positive, that things will somehow work out. To keep on trying, to create these opportunites for myself. I think one of my major problems is techonology. I can't live without the internet. And that's not healthy.

I want to pull all my hair out or slap myself, grind down on my teeth. It involves something on myself. I feel like I'm being ridiculous. Why can't I just do stuff and get it over with? Because I feel like I owe something to everyone else.

So much so I want to start screaming. There is something greatly wrong with our lives today. Something so unnatural and I keep searching for something that makes everything seem okay again. I'll need my medication. Thankfully, I can take my seroquel and that should take care of that.

There is just so much I could or should be doing, I don't know what to do first or whats important. Schools important, but time limits aren't to me. Work is different because somebody is paying you to do it. School is supposed to be for your ownself, your own wellbeing and growth. I'd absolutely love to skip school tomorrow and just take the saturday off. I could. But then what. I miss 4 hours of class. I'll only feel guilty throughout the day. I'll feel power and then powerless and then ridiculous. I'm just lazy and thinking so much about everything I stop functioning at a normal capacity.