I feel totally frightened today. Yesterday was terrifying, the trees outside looked so scary to me, and I couldn’t feel normal and safe no matter what I did. I still don’t feel safe in the world, I’m still terrified, even though I’m at home and theoretically everything should be all well and good at home. But I don’t feel safe, I feel like my world is disappearing. I see dark shadows in everything, everywhere. The sun appears too bright in the sky, and it leaves things in dark shadows. It helps to hide in my dark bedroom, where I see fewer dark shadows because there is no contrast. Everything is dark in here, so it doesn’t scare me as much. I feel safer on my bed than anywhere else.
And even then, I don’t feel safe. I’ve never been more scared in all my life! I miss my husband terribly, and I don’t know what the heck to do with myself. I’m chatting on 7 Cups of Tea, but nothing beats talking to a flesh and blood person, like my husband. I miss him so much, it’s unbelievable. All I can think about is him, and his beautiful smile. He won’t be home for another five hours. He just called me, it was so sweet. He’s always thinking of me. I’m always thinking of him too. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this day. The bad voice in my head just told me, “You’re not.” How sick I am of this voice! I am looking forward to therapy, to learn how to deal with these symptoms. But I do better in writing than speaking, so it will be a challenge. I will see my therapist again on Thursday. We meet via Zoom.
I’m so scared! I don’t know what to do! I can’t believe I ever did anything at all. I feel like I’m disappearing! I need help! This is the journey of one who has derealization. I constantly feel like I’m disappearing! It’s a really frightening state of affairs. Things don’t look right to my eyes. And I saw so many darn orange cones yesterday, it was ridiculous! The bad voice tells me the orange cones are there to remind me that I’m not safe. I certainly don’t feel safe. I have rededicated my life to Christ, but I can’t find Him anywhere. If I could, then I wouldn’t be so afraid. Jesus’ love casts out fear. But for me, all there is, is fear. I don’t know what to do about it! I am calling out to God night and day, but nothing ever changes, it only grows worse with time. That’s why I’m so scared- it doesn’t get better.
So I don’t know what to do, but suck it up and deal with it. It’s getting to the point where I can’t deal with it anymore, and I’m going crazy here trying to deal with it. I want my husband! He will be home in four hours and forty minutes. I’m always counting down the minutes until he gets here. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next four hours and forty minutes. The bad voice says, “You’re not.” I wish so much the bad voice would stop! I’m so scared! I feel like I’m disappearing! Please pray for me, dear reader, that I will not disappear, but will be able to find Jesus in the midst of this mess.