9/13/2010 Homework

2) How have I coped with the things that are holding me back? What have I done to deal with not being myself, not living my dreams, not expressing my feelings, etc.?

Ie. Humor, working hard, pleasing people, emotional eating, emotional spending?

Fear of failure, fear of being “emotional” or “over-dramatic”, fear of being alone, fear of criticism, fear of being downplayed or putdown or to feel stupid…

I don’t know where my value lies.  I can’t see it.  I feel embarrassed when people compliment me.  It used to be much worse when I was younger, but now I say thank you and try to move away from the topic. I constantly envy thinner women, women who are achieving big things like performing music all the time or running their own business, but I instantly think I can’t do it and that it’s beyond my reach. I think of reasons why I can’t do those things.  I feel like a failure about 90% of the time. I’m constantly worrying about being sick or dying. My emotionality is my most outward symptom that I hate.  I’m so tired of trying to please people. I’m ashamed of eating food at all, especially treats and fast food.  I feel guilty about buying things for myself.  For example, I have a list of things that I don’t buy because I feel guilty: yummy smelling candles, fresh flowers, Snickers candy bars, Almond Roca, usually DVD’s, etc. 

Things I allow myself to get: Nails, things for the home which are useful, new clothes, Oreos, New CD’s, etc.

I want to buy fresh flowers every time I go to the store, but I only let myself buy them from Trader Joe’s and not very often.  Actually, the only time I felt good buying them was when I was with my friend Amy and she bought some too.

I’m tired of being fat.  I’m really overweight and it’s slowly taking it’s toll on my body.  I want to hike, bike, kayak, camp, dance, and so many other physical activities.  They excite me and bring me joy! But I’m embarrassed to be seen doing them because I don’t want people to see a “fat girl” doing them and judging me.  I make excuses like “my boobs are too big”, “I’m too old.”, “I’m tired”, “I don’t want to do it alone.”, “It’s too hard on my knees and feet.“, and many others…

But how do you lose weight when you’ve been heavy your whole life and have to lose 80-100lbs to be healthy?? I’m just TIRED!! I’m so emotionally tired of wrestling with all these concerns and fears!  Bleh!

Ways I have coped now or in the past:

Acting out: not coping – giving in to the pressure to misbehave. (Food or sexually)

Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable.

Altruism: Helping others to help self.

Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress.

Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another.

Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms.

Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.

Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion.

Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility.

Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help then reject it.

Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.

Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics.

Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic.

Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance.

Performing rituals: Patterns that delay.

Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people.

Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems.

Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts.

Self-harming: physically damaging the body.

Substitution: Replacing one thing with another.

Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges.

Trivializing: Making small what is really something big.

I’ll always have to cope with events that happen in my life.  Because that’s life. But why should I have to cope with feelings or thoughts that come about from fear?  Fear of things that only exist in my mind…?