Today i had a phone call…
The number looked familiar, and as i looked at it, ringing, it became increasingly obvious who it was, my gut sunk, knowing i was right.
It was my ex.
Dan.
He tried calling me twice…
Then the third time left an voicemail asking me to reply to his messages on facebook which i had been ignoring…
I automatically fell into an anxious heap… i started bawlng because he wanted answers that i could not give… a reply when i had nothing to say..
I had not felt like that in soo long and it's all because of him…
He is not good for me .. 🙁
But yet, i was beside myself for not having an answer for him.
He thought that I never fought for him.. that i only thought i did..
I fought, everyday… i fought my anxiety, most likely unsuccessfully, but i fought the feeling that was screaming at me to just fall into a little ball when he was yelling at me.. when he was trying to be mature and have a conversationg about me…
I fought it.
Today i couldnt, i caved… and realised, its something i shouldnt have to fight, i shouldnt have to let people make me feel that way… and i shouldnt feel guilty for feeling it…
I finally replied to his messages before since his last one was him asking if i was going to talk to him my reply was
"No, I want you to leave me alone. Dont message back"
If he replies to that, well i'll release the hounds, that are my mum and step dad, they're like the hounds of hell at the moment, chewing on his heels waiting for they're chance to jump…
and that chance they will get if he does not leave me alone… I dont want to feel that way anymore.
I dont want to go backwards… to have my stomach in my lungs…. and my mouth in my throat…
I want to be happy