For as long as I can remember its been me, myself, and I. I grew up with an addict and abuser for a father and a mentally ill mother. By all accounts, i was doomed before I was even born. I never got love, unconditional love. I have been manupilated and mentally abusedby my mother for as long as I can remember. I learned at a young age that if I didnt do what people wanted me to do, I was a bad person and didnt deserve their love. I can say that no one has ever been there for me without expecting me to do more for them in return. No one ever said to me that they loved me and genuinely meant it. I have always been almost good enough, but not quite. I give all I have to those I think care for me and end up broke, hurt, and all my negative self thoughts reinforced. When I dont do what others want of me, I am treated as the worst piece of shit on earth. Right now, I'm feeling pretty low cuz I have no one in my life that truely cares for me unless I give them whatever they want. I have become a violent, resentful, fearful person. I only leave my house to go to work and do what I need to do. i dont talk to anyone. I dont trust anyone. I dont eat. I dont take my medicine. All I want to do is sleep, cuz when i'm asleep no one can hurt me. No one can use me. I'm getting worse, but I can see the things that I need to change. but whats the point if im never going to be good enough or loved for who i am? I'm tired of being alone, feeling alone. I just want to be loved but who will love me if i dont love myself? Fuck…who cares….