the last two days i have slipped deeper and deeper into this place that i am at and at last in the final hours of the day i have begun to try to drag myself away. to pick myself up and move towards "normality".

I am lucky, i am in not the worst health, finally after years of searhign and study have a job and will be paid shortly but i feel just as lost and as horrible as i have in the past.

I know the reason. I am lonely. This lonliness had plagued me for years and it just gets worse. by nature i am a person of solitude at a busy party i would often rather go relax somewhere quiet on my own or in the passing company of another. I prefer to live on my own as i cannot get along with people when sharing for any extended period of time. But i wish I had friends in the country in this city and on this street. 

Who I could call and btich about life and be myself with and who I could just simply hang out with. Social interaction where I am me and not the other.

The other- the me I make up when I am at work, when I am talking to people I just met.. it's easy you just judge what tyep they are like… preacher chirstian or closet christian or laid back chill… all of us do it. well most of us… we become someone else we swear less, talkdiffernetly, dress differently we are not the same one who we are when we are alone. we change for family and friends (some) and we cannot change this because and we always learn being different is hated in this world.

so boys and girls… my mask is off… see me… meet the real me… and perhaps show me the real you… i woudl like to meet you all .

i must say i feel a bit better thanks  for ur ears tribers