I am having a couple of sad and devistating days ahead of me.  6 years ago today My mon and I were hanging out discussing what we were going to do together this summer. Maybe go to our family history museum,,,maybe go visit Olana because I always have wanted to see it.  Just nice things together.  My step father had recently died and I just wanted to spend time with my Mom.  the next day, the 16th we got into a terrible argument and then she started screaming for me to call an ambulance she kept screaming that she was going to die and I was begging her not to.  I think the emt'sknew how really bad it was and I think she pretty much died onthe living room floor.  when I got to the hospital I was met by a man ot the cloth.  I did not want to hear anything that he had to say because putting me in a room with a minister meant that it was the worst possible senario.  They took her to the cardiac unit and tried angioplasty but the doctors said the damage  to her and read my own book.was too extensive and that her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long and that she would not be coming back.  Then my sister and I proceeded to argue about what mom would want.  I know my Mom would not want to live on life support, brain dead.  My sister insisted she would talke care of her but I had to appeal to her senses this was not about us not wanting to lose Mom it is about Mom and how she would never want to live that way.  We called her priest to administer last rites.  By the time all that was said and done I was in shock and it was the early morning so she technically died on the 17th.  But like I sais I think she died on the 16th on my living room floor.

Now my sister and I have no relationship.  I have no family and I miss my Mom terrubly.  I would give anything to hear her voice or to hear her laugh, to be able to go in her room early in the morning while she was reading and lay down next to her and read my own book.  I am overwhelmed by sadness and grief and depression.  Is it possible to come ou the other side and see the world a beautiful again.  Instead I see it as one big empty chore.

 

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    All in good time.  You have just suffered two big loses, one permanen, the other maybe not.  This is a time of grieving.  You need to grieve to recover.  Grief, healing from grief and going forward are part of the process.  Life is full of loses, some harder to heal from than othes. But grieving, healing and setting forth again are part of being alive.  My sincerest condolences for your loses.

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