Crying in my own Tears.

I will be 41 tomorrow and my life is in shambles and I do not know what to do other than????????? 

Well, I made an error in judgement and was fired from my job of 50k a year(I have never been fired before in my life), 11 days untill my rent is due and I only have $8.00 to my name.  I have filed for unemployment but it does not kick-in until the second week of August.  I asked my boyfriend, who I am suppose to be engaged to, for help with rent and he will not return my calls nor did he answer me the first time I asked.  I lost my very best-friend of 14 years over another error of judgement.  I am trying to get financed to purchase my home, now I do not have a job.  I would have been married 23 years tomorrow, we have been divorced for 12 years and I am still not remarried.  I am 100lbs overweight. I am bi-polar ii with manic depression and anxiety.  I loose my medical benefits at the end of July and I will not have insurance for medicine next month.  I have been applyiing for position and I have my resume out over the internet.  The only responses so far have been for fraudulent jobs.  I feel like a failure and totally out of control of my life.  My lease is up at the end of the month and if I do not try buy the house, I will have to leave.  I have no where to go.  I three children, 2 out of the house and one still at home.  Over the years I have been kind and "to nice" to people, now that I need help those people are no where to be found.  I have an Aunt who lives with me because she has mental problems, with out me she would be on the streets.  My mom is far away and my dad is dirt poor, I have no one to turn to for comfort or assistance.  You know what is really bad?  I am suppose to be engaged but because I am not satisfied with the structure of our relationship, I seek out other men to talk to, even have talked about "hookin up".  I like the attraction of men and I want just one man but I can't find him or the normal dating relationship.  I have tried all the "self help" pep talks and do's and don'ts but I still get depressed.  My ex-best friend said "I sabotoge myself and my happiness.  I always have to find something wrong and after 14 years of watching me repeating the same mistakes over and over again, she had it with me because she was tired of it effecting her life."  I asked if it was that bad then why did she stay friends with me?  She replied, "I believed in you but I ran out of belief." 

So with this said, I do not know what to do.  I try letting go and letting God but I always pick it back up.  I have a hard time standing still and let it work itself out.  I am a fake smiling person on the outside but a hurricane inside despite the amount of medication I am on.  I always want to hibernate and not go anywhere even when things are good. 

By the way, I need $238.00 by the 23rd and $2000.00 by August 1st.  I am strongly considering making a sign and sitting on a corner for money in hopes to make rent. 

 

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