I need sex more than most people. I’m bipolar, and hypersexual, and presently unmedicated. (I’m trying to change the unmedicated thing, but there are complicating issues beyond my control). My husband wasn’t reaching for me before all this happened, and of course he doesn’t want me, now. Rationally, I know it’s depression and drug use that caused him to lose interest. It’s been about a month (time blurs, but I think it’s been a month) since he found out about me and Quinn. I haven’t spoken to Quinn, in all that time. And, while Pug and I spend all our free time together, and he has been warming up to me some (little gestures of affection – like kissing my hair, and holding my hand), and while these little gestures mean a lot, I really miss the connectedness of being physical with him. This week, I’ve been too sick to really crave it, physically, but psychologically… I miss being wanted. I miss feeling needed. I miss that sense of being as close to one with another human being as I possibly can. Sometimes, sex is just sex. Sometimes, it’s an extension of friendship, or some other fondness, but when it happens with someone you truly love, with everything that you are, enough to spend your entire life by their side, then it’s something else entirely. At it’s best… it’s bliss. We’ve been together for seven years, and I’ve never been any less in love with him, or any less passionate about him. Those two months with Quinn, which probably cost me my husband, and my best friend, weren’t about my feelings for Pug. I didn’t adore him any less. I got too close to Quinn because I felt like Charlie didn’t want me anymore. After feeling that way long enough… I just lost my way. I know I wouldn’t have done it if I weren’t so impulsive, and hypersexual, but even a crazy person has her reasons. No matter how nuts they are…
I read something recently, by a fellow blogger, about feeling like there was a chasm in in his chest, and a weight on his shoulders. I understand that feeling. It’s like the absence of something crucial. Something you need, to feel, and to live, and function, like other people… and, you just don’t have it. And, when you’ve lost someone, or you’re losing someone, it’s like the space they used to fill, once they got under your skin, has turned into some kind of black hole, right through the middle of you. It’s this cold, draining, emptiness, that feels like it could pull you inside out, and wrench away any strength you have left. It makes depression seem like it could actually be terminal. It makes life seem like it’ll never be right again.
I’ve been through enough to know that it could be good, again, but I’m so tired. I gave seven years of my life to a marriage, and I don’t want to live without him. He’s the center of everything. He’s my life. I don’t care if that’s not healthy, or good, or right. It’s just what is.
I lost a seven day train pass this morning that I can’t afford to replace. I’m so broke. I’ll make some money today, but probably not as much as I need to pull shit together. For a long time, my bad habits, and financial strife were my main stressors. The other parts of my life gave me strength. My Pug… my friends… now, everything’s fucked. My Pug isn’t really mine anymore, even if I’m still his. And, my best friend is in the wind, either because he can’t face the mess we made, or because he feels guilty, and doesn’t wanna make it an y worse. Either way, he’s not talking to me, and I’m not talking to him. Pug’s the most important thing, right now. But, he hasn’t even expressed any interest in working things out. Not even to say that it could happen… we get a little closer, and I get hopeful, and he says nothing. So, I have no reason to believe that my situation has improved. All I have, right now, is hope. After all, he is still here, holding me, in our bed, every night. Maybe, at some point, he’ll want me, again.