I wish I could eat without having to feel like I did something wrong. I ate a little one person pizza and get it rubbed in because then the family didn't get to share it. How do you share a pizza that weighs like 9 ounces? Then I want to eat some bread and I get someone standing next to me watching as if I'm about to do something terrible. I guess if my body isn't important enough to be fed it shouldnt matter if I hurt it or not.
I wish I could work on my studies but my focus is so bad I can read something over and over and not learn it. I don't know why my mind is like this sometimes. Sometimes I can focus and think and other times it's very difficult. I need to get these studies done so I can go out and get a crappy job I hate and work for the rest of my life. Because working to live and living to work makes soo much sense…
I just seem to be screwed no matter what. I wish I could get a job I like. But anything I'm interested in is just a hobby or takes talent I don't have or something like that. But at least maybe then I could eat without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I can't eat all thesesweets. It's sickening.
I seem to be getting more addicted to self harm. It's a sensitive subject, but I really don't care. I know I shouldn't do it, and usually I don't like to do things I feel are wrong. But it just feels so good. It's a guilty pleasure. Literally. Gotta have something I like in life. hehehe
I'm so messed up.
At least I've been trying to sleep better this week. It seems no matter what I'm never tired enough when I go to bed and always dead tired when it's time to get up. But it might be helping my heart. My pulse was freakishly slow last night, like 66. It's always like at least 80-90 for the past year when I feel it. It takes a lot of will power to go to bed when I'm not tired and get up when I am, but it might be better for my health in the long run. I have to do something myself if I can't afford medicines and the sleep test. Kinda sad to not be able to see the counselor anymore. I know it was just her job, but she was he only person I could tell anything and she would listen and give me her full attention and help me. No one else I have available will do that for me. So now I'm left talking to myself online. bahaha it's so pathetic.
Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought, but now I get to see no doctors so I'll have to treat it myself, and my ways aren't exactly ideal.
I have the urge to do something crazy. I get that way. I could go climb a tree in the dark, but I might get stuck again. hahaha